25. November

THANKSGIVING WAS FANTASTIC.
I was shocked. Friday wasn't great- I was freaking out about everything and that always leads to binging. But Saturday itself was amazing. We cooked and baked all day and I munched a little, but it felt 100% natural and so weird. Then my friends came and we started the feast and I got a full plate of food but by then I wasn't super hungry anymore, so I ate a little of everything and ended up giving most of my potatoes and corn away. Not because I thought it was "too much," I just could not fit it in without being uncomfortably full and didn't feel like eating more and the whole time I was thinking is this how normal people feel at the end of every meal- like they just know they're supposed to stop? Weird. And once we started on dessert I had, again, a bit of everything. And it felt like the perfect Thanksgiving. Full, but I didn't care because it didn't feel like I had eaten out of emotional stress.
I was pretty happy all day actually. Which is so weird. I still don't know why. I thought for sure I'd be freaking out about every little detail because I wanted the day to be so perfect. And I did freak out a little, but it was like. Subdued. Like if something came up and it upset me or something, it was like. Bummer. Moving on. This isn't such a big deal. And it was SO. WEIRD.

I pretty much felt like a completely normal teenager and that itself was enough to keep me happy all day.

Once my friend and I got home later thought and everyone else had left my 'normal' mindset started kicking in again and I didn't binge, but I went back for leftovers when I knew all I wanted to do was sleep. Oh well.

Today was eh. I had a ton of studying to do for a huge neurophysiologie exam tomorrow and I was stressed out about that and thinking about A a lot and there was plenty of leftover pie and bread, so I know I ate too much. But I'm trying not to worry about it too much.

That's one problem I'm starting to notice. I'm sort of in this mindset where I think if I just ignore the bad thoughts and push through them, I'll slowly recover. And that's why I've been stuck in the same place for so long, because I'm not pushing myself to make progress. I need to challenge my ED- when I want to start overeating, I have to stop and not think that as long as I don't purge I'm doing well. It's time to take the next step, but that's so uncomfortable. But I'm going to work on it.

On a slightly unrelated note, things are looking good with A. He's just. Lovely. And I miss this fresh-crush-butterflies feeling. I mean, I had crushes and boyfriends since my eating disorder kicked in, but since things got really bad, not so much. And in comparison to now, anything I did have with a guy just felt stale.

Anyways, goal for the coming week: do well in my exams and try to stop the binges before they happen instead of just "dealing" with them.

21. November

So today was alright. Actually, it wasn't so great. But I'm feeling alright anyways. It was one of those rare days where it actually got better in the evening. Hm.

School was such a waste of my life. I probably say that every day, but today wasn't an exaggeration. English and math are always boring. And then I was going to just wear comfy clothes but my instagram photo of the day thing was "what you wore" and I didn't need much more of an excuse than A to make me put a little effort into it so that by the end I was actually looking almost kind of cute if I may say so  myself. In a nice simple way, too. Which ended up being completely wasted because I hardly saw A at all, just a little in the hallway before our class meeting (we didn't really talk) and that was it. My friend M drove me to the bus station so I could catch an earlier bus, so I didn't have a chance after school to say anything. And he still hasn't replied to my text about Saturday (and it's safe to say he won't anymore either) which is really disappointing and making me jump to all sorts of conclusions.

When I got home I was kind of overwhelmed with all of this and an exam I have tomorrow for which I (still) have a lot of studying to do, and I had a sort of mini binge. It wasn't horrible and it didn't trigger a whole night of binging, which was nice. I haven't actually eaten anything since then because I'm just not hungry. It's still a really weird feeling to be full and recognize that and not feel like I've "ruined" the day so I should just eat whatever I want and blah blah blah.

Then I went to therapy and I'm starting to really like my therapist. I was talking about a few things, mostly about how I'm worried about Saturday because I want it to be perfect and lovely but it's going to be tense too and if I start to binge then this whole cycle is going to start and ruin the night. And we were talking about this "cycle" and went off on tangents and at the end she said that she got two main points out of today on which we can work more in the future, namely that I don't know what to do with extreme emotions (both good and bad) and that I have problems making my personal wants known. And she's spot on and I know that those are some of my biggest problems and I'm so glad that she recognized that and wants to work on it.

So now I'm just trying to motivate myself to study. Poop.

20. November

Today was another pretty good day. I've been restricting a bit the past two weeks (although not nearly as bad as I used to), just trying to lose a pound or two before Thanksgiving. Maybe restricting isn't the right word. Or maybe it is and actually putting it that way makes it sound worse than it did in my head. Either way, I'm proud to say that as soon as I start feeling real hunger or a craving and I realize that it's not emotionally triggered, I have whatever it is I'm in the mood for. Yesterday it was the cookies 'n' cream chocolate my friend sent me (the only chocolate I think is better in America than here) and today it was a few of my favorite bread rolls from the bakery, and later another roll with cheese. In control and eating according to natural hunger. Shit feels good.

I'm starting to get really nervous and really excited about Saturday. I'm so glad that I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow night so I can talk about it a bit beforehand.

Other than that, nothing's new. I got my ID today and the day I got the picture taken must have been a day after a binge because my face is so bloated >< But I'm not worrying about it too much. It's just an ID. I'll be getting my driver's license soon anyways, I hope.

19. November

It's only Monday and I'm so bogged down on work. And it's only just shortly after 9 p.m. and I've been wanting to go to sleep for half an hour now, so I'm not going to get anything done tonight.

The weekend was better than weekends normally are, I suppose. Saturday actually was going pretty well and I thought I'd make it through the day until I got drunk and when I drink my appetite goes through the roof. So I woke up Sunday completely bloated and gross and that just set a bad tone for the day. I ended up cutting at night too. Nothing even really happened, but my brain was all mixed up and somehow at some point my thoughts just started getting really negative again.

But today was good. I invited A to our Thanksgiving thing we're doing on Saturday, which I'd been wondering if I should. On the one hand, I really want him there. On the other hand, it's going to be difficult enough and I'm even more emotionally unstable when it comes to him (as opposed to fighting with my mom, whatever stuff like that). But I saw him at school today and I couldn't even really consider walking by without stopping to invite him and before I knew it I was smiling and doing that little head tilt/ hip drop thing and actually flirting like a normal girl and it was such a weird but wonderful feeling. Until now, "flirting" has been trying to appear socially stable and, on good days, like I have a sense of humor..

ANYWAYS. Good day. Soccer was fun too. I had absolutely no confidence the whole time but just kind of told myself I need to suck it up and if I want to play well I need to know that I can. And by the time we started scrimmages, I wasn't doing too badly anymore.

I'm working on a Thanksgiving article on FYB's tumblr, and I'll probably post it here when I'm done too. Tomorrow or Wednesday night, most likely.

Signs of Progress

This week has been a pretty good week. I think I already mentioned that last weekend was oh so very bad, but I'm glad to say that I turned things around.

The big thing that happened was that I fixed things with A. Tuesday I went into the common room before break and sat down, and a few minutes later I noticed that he was still sitting on his own with an open seat next to him. I also noticed that he was frantically paging through a book his English class is reading which I read in my English class last year. So I went over and asked if I could help him with something and it turned out he needed about ten chapters that he hadn't read explained. So we ended up doing that and talking for the rest of the break. And after that, things got back to where they had left off over a week ago pretty quickly. After I started to talk to him normally again, he did the same and it was all good and Friday ended up being especially nice and we ended up hanging out most of the day together, until he had to go to guitar lessons after school at least.
Anyways, most of the time I would have sulked a little longer until things got even more awkward between us and then sulked some more for another six months until another guy came around. But I took responsibility and initiative and all those other fancy mature words and went for it and everything worked out :)

Food-wise, this week was also really good. I stopped the binge-streak I was on, ate ridiculously healthy for a few days (I tried those mono meals- where you only eat one food at each meal- and it was a lovely mini detox), and then started eating normally again. I did binge once, when I started eating bread again, but I think that was just the fact that I had hardly eaten any carbs all week. It wasn't horrible though and I actually dealt with it alright. I guess it helped that I had therapy right after.

Speaking of therapy, that went well too. Last week I came home after therapy, had a really good feeling about where things were headed, panicked, and binged. This week I didn't think about it quite as much, but I was able to sort through my thoughts a little more and deal with them better. And a friend texted me asking if I could go to a party, which should have been able to work, except that anyone who normally drives me was at this concert thing. So I got super pissed about that, the kind of impulsive, irrational pissed off that always leads to binges or cutting. But I did neither of those :) I can't even remember what I did, went to bed really early I think. Either way. Progress.

And then today. I was in a different city all morning for a first aid course and went to McDonald's after. I almost never eat anything there, I just get a small coffee (or two), or fries if I've been drinking. But I realized that I was really in the mood for a baked apple pie and it was cold outside so that would be perfect to warm me and so I got one. I haven't had one since I was a little kid and I've actually considered getting one before but haven't because of how much grease and butter is in one of those, but today I said fuck it. I want one. So I got one and it was delicious and I didn't even care that I didn't win anything in the peal-and-win promotion they had going on ;) I've also got a whole bar of Ritter Sport espresso chocolate saved for my movie all nighter and I just had some extra corn for dinner even though that put me well over my calorie goal. (Yes, I'm still logging my calories. I really do need to figure out how to stop that.)

I was actually just typing up a tumblr post about being proud of what I did this week, mostly in relation to A, and how even thought I don't feel good about it I should and I deserve to be proud. It's hard for me to feel good about myself for the right reasons- most of the time it has to do with something silly and not very important. But the real stuff, especially the stuff having to do with my ED/ other problems, are more difficult. Just because I don't feel like I deserve it, like I should be proud or feel like I accomplished something. It's never enough. There's always more that I could do, I can always be better. But I know that this is wrong and I'm working on it and when I start typing up a post like this and I see that it just keeps getting longer and longer, it's a pleasant surprise that I'm still moving forward and getting closer to full recovery.

12. November

I haven't been posting much, and I want to fix that. I'm starting to get more organized, just with my life in general, so hopefully I'll actually get on that.

The weekend was bad. Weekends are almost always bad. Either I have all day to sit around and do nothing but think, which doesn't often end well, or I have some social event going on that almost always brings on nerves and anxiety. I'm hoping that meeting with my therapist Fridays will help, but last Friday after I posted about how well the session had gone and everything, things just got worse really quickly and I didn't know why. Once I thought about it a bit, I think it had to do with me not being ready to let go and realize that things can keep getting better and I can leave my ED and everything behind. So I panicked, and we all know what happens then. And that set the tone for the whole weekend and I was basically just kind of a mess.

But today was pretty good. Food-wise and everything, it was really good, even though I actually had a pretty shitty day. I skipped gym so I could go home early and get stuff done. Then I ran to the store quickly to get some orange juice and was running late to catch my bus back home and realized I'd left my bus card in the store (I'd set it down to put my coat on and pack some things together) and in the three minutes it took me to realize this and go back, someone had taken it. Like, really? Luckily it expired Wednesday anyways, so that's only two days earlier I have to pay the ninety euro for a new one, but it's a pain to get the new card and everything. And needless to say, I missed my bus and had to end up paying for the trip home.

Oh, and I was actually feeling so optimistic this morning that I decided I was going to try to make things right again with A. I didn't know if I'd still have a shot or anything, but I at least wanted to be friendlier than I was last week, when just being around him made me sad and I started to really withdraw and felt bad about that. But apparently that wasn't meant to happen either because of the two times I ended up passing him in the hallway the first I was leaving the common room with F and saw an exchange between them that while not wholly unexpected I would have rather not seen, at least not on his part. And the second time was as I was leaving to go home and he was talking to someone else and we didn't so much as say hi. So that was all kind of poop.

But weirdly enough I'm dealing with it alright and I'm not really sure how I'm just trying to get through tonight and I have to leave now anyways for a mini festival thing and then I have driver's ed so I should be alright I hope.

Therapy: Success

I just went to see my therapist for the first time in about three weeks, and quite a bit had happened in that time. I was mildly freaking out all day because I had a weird feeling I wasn't going to be able to be honest and open with her about the cutting and the fact that things started getting worse. Possibly the hardest thing for me to do is to tell someone else that things are not alright or that I'm not happy. My mom said that the best thing about me is that I'm always happy and smiling, I have been ever since I was a baby, but that it's also my biggest curse. And she had a point. I can smile through just about anything and it's not until later when I'm on my own that I actually deal with the problems, in good or bad ways.

But I did end up being pretty honest. Really freaking honest, actually. And she understood some of the things I said that I knew sounded crazy and sick and I'm not really sure how to explain it but she's really good at putting things into perspective and making me realize that there actually are a lot of good things happening and I have made progress and things aren't as bad as I make them out to be.

I keep going into these therapy sessions thinking about what she's going to do, if she's going to send me to someone or prescribe me medication because my thoughts are so incredibly jumbled up and illogical and unstable. But most of the time, just talking to her is enough to sort through them and realize that 95% of the mess in my head is just me making a complicated mush of things.

So, that was good. Yepp.

7. November

I'm not sure if I'm doing better or worse.

Food-wise, I'm eating much better. It's been a while since I binged, and while I'm still thinking and worrying about food a lot of the time (to the point where I'm going back to researching crazy diets and low-calorie food) I'm not actually following through with anything. I think that's a nice improvement; it's next to impossible to control what thoughts pop into my head but I can do something about whether or not I act on them.
That being said, I'm not eating completely freely and according to hunger cues. I'm eating things like cheese and chocolate regularly (no butter yet) but overall watching my intake.

Emotionally, I guess I'm pretty much the same- all over the place. I have fewer good and bad days and more days where it starts good and ends badly or vice-versa.  I really need to talk to my therapist about this (two more days...) because it's the instability and impulsiveness all coming back and I can't let it get out of control again.

The same goes for cutting. This is where I'm doing worse. I cut again the other night and bought a new pack of razors the next day. I haven't used them yet; every time I've wanted to cut since I've found something to do and by the time I had time alone again the urge had passed. But I have the blades now and what with my mood changing so quickly I never know what will happen a day or hour from now. I'm really just trying to hold on until Friday and see what my therapist says. I think her reaction is going to make a big difference. I feel like if she just kind of lets me talk and doesn't say/do anything to try to help I'm going to feel really let down and 'not taken seriously' again and that's caused some big problems. At the same time, I don't know if/when she would suggest medication (every doctor/therapist has mentioned it as a possibility so far but never prescribed anything for one reason or another) and if I would want that. I would love for my mind to work normally, at least for a while. But from the start I've said that I want to get through this, not alone, (except kind of) but just not with medicine. I want to deal with the pain, not numb it. Aside from all the controversy and mixed opinions on what medications actually work or don't or just cause more problems.

I have so much I want to write about, but I'm tired. I need to update this more often; what happened to my nice long daily posts?

Random Acts of Kindness

I was just at a bakery and there was a woman ordering a few bigger things. By the time I'd bought my bread and packed everything together she was leaving just before me and waited with her arms full to keep the door open.

I've had a shitty past couple of days and music was only half-helping this morning, but that random act of kindness literally turned my mood around.

Even with little things, you never know who you're helping.

4. November

To start off, last night wasn't great. I met up with some people and of the six of them I only really know three of them well enough to be comfortable around. The other three were a guy and girl from my school who are friends with J, and then the girl's boyfriend. And the whole night was just crap. I don't know when exactly it changed, because I went into it feeling really optimistic. I don't know. I'm trying not to think about it too much and just wait for school tomorrow.

Today wasn't so great either, but it wasn't horrible. I spent the whole day in my room; I didn't have anything else to do and just felt too tired and blah. It was one of those days.

The thing is, I came home last night and told myself to just go to bed and everything would feel better in the morning. I was kind of freaking out about things with A. But when I woke up this morning, I didn't feel any better about it at all. And I ended up eating a huge breakfast, which is unusual for me and almost always emotionally fueled. And I was getting pissed at my mom easily all day. All bad signs.

So I'm going to go to bed early tonight and tomorrow I will go to school and everything's going to be fine and I'll realize I'm worrying over nothing and I can start feeling motivated to do something. I don't know when the last time I did my homework or cleaned my room was...