12. November

I haven't been posting much, and I want to fix that. I'm starting to get more organized, just with my life in general, so hopefully I'll actually get on that.

The weekend was bad. Weekends are almost always bad. Either I have all day to sit around and do nothing but think, which doesn't often end well, or I have some social event going on that almost always brings on nerves and anxiety. I'm hoping that meeting with my therapist Fridays will help, but last Friday after I posted about how well the session had gone and everything, things just got worse really quickly and I didn't know why. Once I thought about it a bit, I think it had to do with me not being ready to let go and realize that things can keep getting better and I can leave my ED and everything behind. So I panicked, and we all know what happens then. And that set the tone for the whole weekend and I was basically just kind of a mess.

But today was pretty good. Food-wise and everything, it was really good, even though I actually had a pretty shitty day. I skipped gym so I could go home early and get stuff done. Then I ran to the store quickly to get some orange juice and was running late to catch my bus back home and realized I'd left my bus card in the store (I'd set it down to put my coat on and pack some things together) and in the three minutes it took me to realize this and go back, someone had taken it. Like, really? Luckily it expired Wednesday anyways, so that's only two days earlier I have to pay the ninety euro for a new one, but it's a pain to get the new card and everything. And needless to say, I missed my bus and had to end up paying for the trip home.

Oh, and I was actually feeling so optimistic this morning that I decided I was going to try to make things right again with A. I didn't know if I'd still have a shot or anything, but I at least wanted to be friendlier than I was last week, when just being around him made me sad and I started to really withdraw and felt bad about that. But apparently that wasn't meant to happen either because of the two times I ended up passing him in the hallway the first I was leaving the common room with F and saw an exchange between them that while not wholly unexpected I would have rather not seen, at least not on his part. And the second time was as I was leaving to go home and he was talking to someone else and we didn't so much as say hi. So that was all kind of poop.

But weirdly enough I'm dealing with it alright and I'm not really sure how I'm just trying to get through tonight and I have to leave now anyways for a mini festival thing and then I have driver's ed so I should be alright I hope.