Signs of Progress

This week has been a pretty good week. I think I already mentioned that last weekend was oh so very bad, but I'm glad to say that I turned things around.

The big thing that happened was that I fixed things with A. Tuesday I went into the common room before break and sat down, and a few minutes later I noticed that he was still sitting on his own with an open seat next to him. I also noticed that he was frantically paging through a book his English class is reading which I read in my English class last year. So I went over and asked if I could help him with something and it turned out he needed about ten chapters that he hadn't read explained. So we ended up doing that and talking for the rest of the break. And after that, things got back to where they had left off over a week ago pretty quickly. After I started to talk to him normally again, he did the same and it was all good and Friday ended up being especially nice and we ended up hanging out most of the day together, until he had to go to guitar lessons after school at least.
Anyways, most of the time I would have sulked a little longer until things got even more awkward between us and then sulked some more for another six months until another guy came around. But I took responsibility and initiative and all those other fancy mature words and went for it and everything worked out :)

Food-wise, this week was also really good. I stopped the binge-streak I was on, ate ridiculously healthy for a few days (I tried those mono meals- where you only eat one food at each meal- and it was a lovely mini detox), and then started eating normally again. I did binge once, when I started eating bread again, but I think that was just the fact that I had hardly eaten any carbs all week. It wasn't horrible though and I actually dealt with it alright. I guess it helped that I had therapy right after.

Speaking of therapy, that went well too. Last week I came home after therapy, had a really good feeling about where things were headed, panicked, and binged. This week I didn't think about it quite as much, but I was able to sort through my thoughts a little more and deal with them better. And a friend texted me asking if I could go to a party, which should have been able to work, except that anyone who normally drives me was at this concert thing. So I got super pissed about that, the kind of impulsive, irrational pissed off that always leads to binges or cutting. But I did neither of those :) I can't even remember what I did, went to bed really early I think. Either way. Progress.

And then today. I was in a different city all morning for a first aid course and went to McDonald's after. I almost never eat anything there, I just get a small coffee (or two), or fries if I've been drinking. But I realized that I was really in the mood for a baked apple pie and it was cold outside so that would be perfect to warm me and so I got one. I haven't had one since I was a little kid and I've actually considered getting one before but haven't because of how much grease and butter is in one of those, but today I said fuck it. I want one. So I got one and it was delicious and I didn't even care that I didn't win anything in the peal-and-win promotion they had going on ;) I've also got a whole bar of Ritter Sport espresso chocolate saved for my movie all nighter and I just had some extra corn for dinner even though that put me well over my calorie goal. (Yes, I'm still logging my calories. I really do need to figure out how to stop that.)

I was actually just typing up a tumblr post about being proud of what I did this week, mostly in relation to A, and how even thought I don't feel good about it I should and I deserve to be proud. It's hard for me to feel good about myself for the right reasons- most of the time it has to do with something silly and not very important. But the real stuff, especially the stuff having to do with my ED/ other problems, are more difficult. Just because I don't feel like I deserve it, like I should be proud or feel like I accomplished something. It's never enough. There's always more that I could do, I can always be better. But I know that this is wrong and I'm working on it and when I start typing up a post like this and I see that it just keeps getting longer and longer, it's a pleasant surprise that I'm still moving forward and getting closer to full recovery.