7. November

I'm not sure if I'm doing better or worse.

Food-wise, I'm eating much better. It's been a while since I binged, and while I'm still thinking and worrying about food a lot of the time (to the point where I'm going back to researching crazy diets and low-calorie food) I'm not actually following through with anything. I think that's a nice improvement; it's next to impossible to control what thoughts pop into my head but I can do something about whether or not I act on them.
That being said, I'm not eating completely freely and according to hunger cues. I'm eating things like cheese and chocolate regularly (no butter yet) but overall watching my intake.

Emotionally, I guess I'm pretty much the same- all over the place. I have fewer good and bad days and more days where it starts good and ends badly or vice-versa.  I really need to talk to my therapist about this (two more days...) because it's the instability and impulsiveness all coming back and I can't let it get out of control again.

The same goes for cutting. This is where I'm doing worse. I cut again the other night and bought a new pack of razors the next day. I haven't used them yet; every time I've wanted to cut since I've found something to do and by the time I had time alone again the urge had passed. But I have the blades now and what with my mood changing so quickly I never know what will happen a day or hour from now. I'm really just trying to hold on until Friday and see what my therapist says. I think her reaction is going to make a big difference. I feel like if she just kind of lets me talk and doesn't say/do anything to try to help I'm going to feel really let down and 'not taken seriously' again and that's caused some big problems. At the same time, I don't know if/when she would suggest medication (every doctor/therapist has mentioned it as a possibility so far but never prescribed anything for one reason or another) and if I would want that. I would love for my mind to work normally, at least for a while. But from the start I've said that I want to get through this, not alone, (except kind of) but just not with medicine. I want to deal with the pain, not numb it. Aside from all the controversy and mixed opinions on what medications actually work or don't or just cause more problems.

I have so much I want to write about, but I'm tired. I need to update this more often; what happened to my nice long daily posts?