21. November

So today was alright. Actually, it wasn't so great. But I'm feeling alright anyways. It was one of those rare days where it actually got better in the evening. Hm.

School was such a waste of my life. I probably say that every day, but today wasn't an exaggeration. English and math are always boring. And then I was going to just wear comfy clothes but my instagram photo of the day thing was "what you wore" and I didn't need much more of an excuse than A to make me put a little effort into it so that by the end I was actually looking almost kind of cute if I may say so  myself. In a nice simple way, too. Which ended up being completely wasted because I hardly saw A at all, just a little in the hallway before our class meeting (we didn't really talk) and that was it. My friend M drove me to the bus station so I could catch an earlier bus, so I didn't have a chance after school to say anything. And he still hasn't replied to my text about Saturday (and it's safe to say he won't anymore either) which is really disappointing and making me jump to all sorts of conclusions.

When I got home I was kind of overwhelmed with all of this and an exam I have tomorrow for which I (still) have a lot of studying to do, and I had a sort of mini binge. It wasn't horrible and it didn't trigger a whole night of binging, which was nice. I haven't actually eaten anything since then because I'm just not hungry. It's still a really weird feeling to be full and recognize that and not feel like I've "ruined" the day so I should just eat whatever I want and blah blah blah.

Then I went to therapy and I'm starting to really like my therapist. I was talking about a few things, mostly about how I'm worried about Saturday because I want it to be perfect and lovely but it's going to be tense too and if I start to binge then this whole cycle is going to start and ruin the night. And we were talking about this "cycle" and went off on tangents and at the end she said that she got two main points out of today on which we can work more in the future, namely that I don't know what to do with extreme emotions (both good and bad) and that I have problems making my personal wants known. And she's spot on and I know that those are some of my biggest problems and I'm so glad that she recognized that and wants to work on it.

So now I'm just trying to motivate myself to study. Poop.