25. November

THANKSGIVING WAS FANTASTIC.
I was shocked. Friday wasn't great- I was freaking out about everything and that always leads to binging. But Saturday itself was amazing. We cooked and baked all day and I munched a little, but it felt 100% natural and so weird. Then my friends came and we started the feast and I got a full plate of food but by then I wasn't super hungry anymore, so I ate a little of everything and ended up giving most of my potatoes and corn away. Not because I thought it was "too much," I just could not fit it in without being uncomfortably full and didn't feel like eating more and the whole time I was thinking is this how normal people feel at the end of every meal- like they just know they're supposed to stop? Weird. And once we started on dessert I had, again, a bit of everything. And it felt like the perfect Thanksgiving. Full, but I didn't care because it didn't feel like I had eaten out of emotional stress.
I was pretty happy all day actually. Which is so weird. I still don't know why. I thought for sure I'd be freaking out about every little detail because I wanted the day to be so perfect. And I did freak out a little, but it was like. Subdued. Like if something came up and it upset me or something, it was like. Bummer. Moving on. This isn't such a big deal. And it was SO. WEIRD.

I pretty much felt like a completely normal teenager and that itself was enough to keep me happy all day.

Once my friend and I got home later thought and everyone else had left my 'normal' mindset started kicking in again and I didn't binge, but I went back for leftovers when I knew all I wanted to do was sleep. Oh well.

Today was eh. I had a ton of studying to do for a huge neurophysiologie exam tomorrow and I was stressed out about that and thinking about A a lot and there was plenty of leftover pie and bread, so I know I ate too much. But I'm trying not to worry about it too much.

That's one problem I'm starting to notice. I'm sort of in this mindset where I think if I just ignore the bad thoughts and push through them, I'll slowly recover. And that's why I've been stuck in the same place for so long, because I'm not pushing myself to make progress. I need to challenge my ED- when I want to start overeating, I have to stop and not think that as long as I don't purge I'm doing well. It's time to take the next step, but that's so uncomfortable. But I'm going to work on it.

On a slightly unrelated note, things are looking good with A. He's just. Lovely. And I miss this fresh-crush-butterflies feeling. I mean, I had crushes and boyfriends since my eating disorder kicked in, but since things got really bad, not so much. And in comparison to now, anything I did have with a guy just felt stale.

Anyways, goal for the coming week: do well in my exams and try to stop the binges before they happen instead of just "dealing" with them.