Sorry for being MIA.

The weekend was really bad and I couldn't write about the bad stuff while it was still going on. But I'm doing fine now and so I can sort of look back and write about all the things that happened in the past. Does anyone else know what I'm talking about?

I don't remember specifics anymore, just that my mom and I got in a crazy fight that pretty much peaked on Saturday. I stayed home from a family thing that night but called ahead and went to my Oma on Sunday and that ended up being really nice. We talked about things and ended up going for a long walk then coming back and eating leftovers. Yum.

I cut myself on Saturday. November 6th would have been six months clean. That was the really bad part that I couldn't bring myself to talk about. It wasn't too dangerous or anything like that, just a few scratches- I mean to say that I'm not injured or anything, not to minimize the idea of any type of self harm. But that was that. It was... I don't know. I thought the whole time about how I didn't need to, I'd regret it in the morning, I'd come so far and didn't want to throw it away. The same things I've told myself for the past almost six months. But I didn't want to push through and I didn't want to be strong and I just thought that I wanted to let myself break. All I've done the past few months is push through the shit and not let myself drop off the edge and I just wanted one night to not have to be strong.

I did end up regretting it, but not until today really.

It was a bit of a wake up in a sense, because I've been feeling so great about not purging in almost three months which is longer than I've ever held out for, but three months is nothing. Six months is nothing. I got an email from my aunt that made me realize five years can be thrown away in one night. The thought is daunting.

But things turned around Sunday and I sort of picked myself up. I'd been binging most of the last week, but Sunday I.. did a little better. I didn't end up eating much on Monday, but I'm back to eating regularly and healthy (with treats here and there of course) and it's all good again.

26. October, or A Day That Should Have Been Made Good Turned Bad

Yea, yesterday didn't end well.

This post is basically an unnecessarily long rant about my mom and the fight we're having, but long story short I spent most of yesterday eating and am now at metaphorical war with my mother.

Making Today Good, Update II

It's not quite 12:30 and I'm on my way home- history got cancelled :D French ended up being really entertaining and BFF even stopped in for the second hour, much to J's annoyance ;)

I've actually been in a pretty good mood, even though as soon as I saw that history was cancelled I knew that meant I wouldn't get the chance to hang out with A. We rode the bus together though and he asked for my help in math even though I'm in a different class and that was fun I guess, at least as much fun as helping someone with math homework can be.

Either way, the next attempt at hanging out with A will probably happen early next week because we have Thursday off and I at least don't have anything planned... Yet ^^

The only thing is that while I was buying my brother's birthday present I got myself a pack those gummy peach rings and am just finishing it up. I can already feel the stomach ache coming on. Whoops.

The next thing I have to focus on is keeping up this good mood while our family's all visiting. Wuuhuu...

Making Today Good, Update I

Alright. It's almost 6:30. I had a chocolate chip pancake and a little more chocolate for breakfast. And I'm fine. I guess I wasn't completely hungry for the chocolate, but I wanted to let my brother try it and he didn't like it and I felt weird opening the pack and just leaving most of it. (=disordered behavior, working on that) But it was yummy and I'm fine and chocolate is relevant at any time of the day and I am fine.

Part II: School!

25. October

Blah. Today was boring. School was actually kind of shit, even though now that I think of it I pretty much rocked every class. Especially math. I really don't like math because we have this weird temp teacher and he makes me nervous because I don't get as good of grades on his pop quizzes as I did with our normal teacher. But I do love being the best at something and this week we've been doing different proofs and they were all really simple and now I'm really sounding full of myself but I mean. I had the one done when the girl next to me asked if I had figured out where to even begin yet. And she's one of the smarter ones too.

Anyways. Moving on from the unhealthy effect math class has on my ego.

Thinking back now, I don't even know what was so bad. I mean, I was tired. And things with A are so weird right now and it's bothering me more than I should be letting it. But it's hard when... gah, I don't even know where to begin. WHY IS THIS BOTHERING ME SO MUCH. Tomorrow's Friday which means that unless J pulls another bitch move we'll hopefully be able to hang out and talk and that'll at least tell me... something. (Note to self: remember to buy the junk food I promised my brother as a birthday gift) It's also still kind of hard to distinguish between actually reading into what he says/does and my own distorted pessimism. But I'm going to wait until tomorrow, because right now I'm just about convinced that whatever I thought might have been there isn't there anymore and now I'm just making myself look dumb.

Other than that, I don't even know. Food was.. normal, I guess. My mom and sisters were baking for my brother's birthday and I had some of the batter, no big deal, but then I started feeling like if I were alone in the kitchen I'd be finishing off the bowl (which included enough batter for about 15 more cupcakes) so I made dinner quickly and drank a little extra to fill up. Not like extreme water hoarding, just until I felt nice and full. I think I mentioned at some point how dealing with a full stomach is easier sometimes than dealing with life.

I'm nervous for tomorrow. It's my brother's birthday (because I haven't mentioned that a few times already) which means family will be over for cake and stuff as soon as I get home, then we're all going to his soccer game, and afterwards we're ordering pizza. I cannot have just one slice of cake. I cannot have just one (or two) slice(s) of pizza. Those are possibly my two most triggering foods. And if I have a stressful day at school tomorrow, which will basically come down to how things go with A (because I have such a good feeling about that right now) but could easily be ruined if I get called out on in history and mess that grade up, I know how tomorrow will end. That's what happened at the last... I don't even know how many birthdays. Two of my sisters in September. My 18th... wasn't so bad. I ate a ton but I'd decided the day before that I was going to eat what I want and fucking enjoy it. And before that we go back to my mom's birthday in March and that day actually marked the end of my two-month-happy-healthy-recovery-phase and the start of my shit-got-really-fucking-bad-phase.

Now that I think of all that, I need to make tomorrow a good day. If I can make it through a birthday party and have cake or cookies and pizza or whatever and not lose control of my eating... That would be so awesome. And if I don't, hopefully I can keep the damage to a minimum. I'm finally getting out of my rut and I will not fall back down again.
But it would be best to just make tomorrow a good day. Mental prep time.

(I forgot to write about my aunt's email. And I wanted to talk about people and how they treat me/ act in regard to my ED. And I still want to maybe make that video. What's putting it off one more day?)

24. October

Today wasn't super great but I'm actually feeling really good about typing this up because I think how I dealt with things shows that I have made progress and that in and of itself makes today actually kind of super great in a way.

School was boring. I was falling asleep all day and we watched movies in two of my three classes. On the bright side, I got 12 points on my math pop quiz, which is on the higher end of what I expected. On the down side, A was being all weird again, I realized I haven't even looked and the French vocab I need to know for tomorrow, BFF had to cancel our plans for next week, and... I don't know. I was just all over the place today.

But I came home and we still haven't really gone grocery shopping but I made do and had dinner. Fairly normal stuff. Then I got in a bit of a fight with my mom. Her laptop isn't working right so she's been coming in and taking my charger cable. If she would've asked the first time, it wouldn't be such a big deal. I'm a bit possessive, but I can recognize that and deal with it. The problem started when I came home last week and the cable was unplugged and I realized she had actually switched them and given me hers. Besides the fact that I had already been in a bad mood and didn't appreciate her leaving the cable unplugged, let alone just switching them, her coming into my room while I wasn't there kind of freaked me out. We still have all these trust issues that were a big party of my anxiety/ sleep problems earlier and I was just starting to get over them and then this happened. And since then almost every day I come home and she doesn't try to hide it or anything; it's obvious she just comes in and takes what she needs.

Anyways, today I plug the cable in (after checking that it was mine) and then there's still some error thing with the battery. Turns out her battery was the problem so she switched ours out and, surprise surprise, didn't bother switching them back or even replugging in the damn cable. Queue bad mood.

Then a little later I was looking through the kitchen for what I could set aside for school tomorrow and apparently they did stop at the store because we had new paper towel and a jar of cherries. So I scoop some out into a mini tupperware and make a sandwich and get that all ready. Go back in my room on tumblr and whatever. Half an hour later I hear my mom screaming and freaking out about who ate the cherries and apparently she bought them for a reason. Before I could formulate "here she comes" in my head she's opened my door and asked if I ate the cherries. "Uh, I packed a few away-" "That's great. Eat away!" Queue slammed door. Queue really fucking pissed off mood. Queue loud complaints which could be heard from across the apartment and her asking my siblings to run to the store to get more (had she listened for half a second I could've told her that I hadn't yet actually eaten the damn cherries) and a sarcastically yelled, "Nadya you might want to run to the store and buy cherries now!"

And this is where things get a little better. A few months (I just went to approximate how long ago and I realized I can't really say weeks anymore- yay!) I would've thought something along the lines of 'well fuck, I'll go fucking eat away, you fucking showed me, how the fuck do you fucking like me now?' and then proceeded to binge/purge, multiple times and using her money if possible.
Today I crocheted. I closed down the computer and grabbed the scarf I'm working on.
And when I heard her fighting with my sister (because once my mom gets angry she needs a little time to get it all out) and really could not deal with it anymore, I grabbed my phone and headphones and since I only had half an hour until driver's ed I just walked around the city until then anyways.

Yes. Progress. Good.

Ironically enough, I think my mom is under the impression that I was walking around (probably binging/purging) the whole time. I don't think she thought about driver's ed, because she called me as I was on my way home asking if I was coming home. If she knew I was at driver's ed she would've known that I'd be home just a little after 8:30. And we got let out early (our teacher couldn't miss the soccer game- only in Germany) or else I wouldn't have been able to answer, as she should have known.

Anyways, it's all good now. I'm going to sleep soon because I haven't been sleeping as well this week and need to catch up. French can wait.

Oh! I also just got an email from my aunt. I'm waiting to reply to it. I'll write about that tomorrow though; I'm pooped.

Blah.

My emotions are all over the place lately. One period I'm happy and talkative and laughing and the next I'm on my own in the corner with my headphones in and music up. Mostly I'm happy when I have someone to sit with and talk to or listen to or just feel like I'm not awkwardly intruding from the outside.
A is a completely different story. The logical part of me, that thinks guys are straightforward and all this drama J is trying to start is nothing more than something to laugh at, knows that there's something there and I should just invite him over Sunday, end of story. But there's also that other part of me, the one that asks why any guy could ever find any reason to bother looking twice in my direction let alone hold a conversation with me or why on top of everything I have to deal with a bitch who's made it her mission to turn as many people against me as possible, that makes me feel like I'm just embarrassing myself and should claim early retirement and start looking for cats.
If you haven't noticed, I'm also kind of tired right now. And bored on the bus. And listening to sappy love songs. Right.

23. October

Well this was unusual. My day started off alright but school only made it worse... and then it got better once I got home o.o

Everything was pretty normal and whatnot, until we had a pop quiz in math and there were only two questions. The calculation part I could do no problem, but then we had to define something and I know I butchered that. There go almost half my points. Then lunch plans feel through with BFF (not a big deal, just disappointing) and we had a pop quiz in earth sciences and I wasn't there last week so I knew nothing. There's a decent chance the teacher won't count it for me though- fingers crossed. And I couldn't really catch a break with A and just nothing happened, good or bad. But since everything is either all good or all bad, nothing happening is generally bad. Needless to say, but the bus ride home I wasn't in the best of moods.

And then a few things happened. I went grocery shopping (oddly enough, it always calms me down) and decided I was in the mood for pizza. So I bought an oven kit and it is now sitting out all baked and sliced and ready for me to take to school tomorrow. Yum. Two of my friends found FYB on tumblr (and are probably reading this, based on the fact that the page view count jumped by a ton at that time... hi guys ^^) and at first I kind of thought it would be weird knowing who exactly is reading this, it's not a big deal at all anymore. I still hardly believe that the stats thing on here works properly because no way am I getting as many daily hits as it says I am >>

The one thing is that my mood improved once I got home, which is odd, but the rest of my family was out, which might explain it. And sure enough, as soon as my mom got home we got into an argument a few minutes later and the anxiety started coming back. But it wasn't a big deal either and it's all good now and we have plans to grab coffee or go to the gym at some point this weekend, so all's well that ends well. But I'm still not sure how to deal with being home. I don't have any problems with my family and we're still eating dinner together, I'm making it a point to talk to my siblings and my mom, the same stuff we've been doing. But somehow I start getting either pissed or anxious more easily and that's bothering me.

And my next appointment with my therapist is in over two weeks. Lovely.

On an unrelated note, I'm thinking of inviting A to carve pumpkins with us on Sunday. Because I mean. That would be cute. And fun.

22. October

Today was a really fantastic day in a really weird way that I'm still trying to figure out.

Wow, everything is weird. Alright. First off, food. I was still insanely full and bloated all morning and into the afternoon, but I could still tell when I was feeling hungry underneath. I'm not sure if that makes sense or if anyone knows what I'm talking about, but I was actually able to separate the two feelings. And I ate pretty normally, which was nice. Even nicer was the fact that I started eating the rice dish I'd brought for lunch and just ate until I was full then saved the rest for after school. Normally if I start eating something, I have to finish. So that was nice. And I don't know, everything was just good today. I did get a bottle of diet coke because I thought I'd need something to get me through tonight. But I also saw the leftover banana bread (calories = ?!?) and had some for dinner even though I was planning on something completely different and vegetable-based.

Somehow everything just seemed great, even if it was completely normal or average. I talked to A a little bit and the time we did get to spend together was... good. And I was actually being quite social today, now that I think of it. And in sport we got grades for slalom dribbling and even though I messed up twice and didn't really go as fast as I could have I got full points. And everyone was sort of laughing at J and it was really fantastic to see that they all do dislike her as well- I didn't even have to feel bad because it wasn't like. Laughing in her face. It was brushed off as a class joke kind of thing. But you could tell what everyone was thinking.

I even felt cute today, at least my face and hair. I felt fat and bloated and gross, but I thought my hair looked good and my face didn't feel as round and flabby as it usually does on days like this so I guess that's progress too.

I just forgot about the bus ride with A too. Oh. Another nice thing.

I just had a little fight with the mother, but I'm not letting it bother me.

I feel like I could go on. Basically. Today was wonderful. I'm not sure if it was me learning to deal with life and shit, or if on the all-or-nothing scale that is my life today was just an all good day and so nothing could really change that.
I'm going to enjoy it for what it is though.

Full.

I hate this.
I hate being full.
So full that my stomach hurts
and I can only wear sweats
and I can't stand straight,
So full that the thought
of catching even a raindrop
on my tongue
makes me nauseous.

I hate being full.
But the pain of it
is easier to bear
than life.

21. October

Posting early because I am 500% done with today.

I pretty much spent all day binging. I don't know if it's still because of what happened Friday with A or last night with my sister or the fact that I've been gaining and just feeling overall disgusting lately. But since we have no groceries I went through two packs of toffifee, a chocolate bar, and I don't know how much bread and rice. And I keep telling myself that I'm doing well because I'm not purging but that's only a small part of it. Granted, that's sort of the thin line separating me being "ohkay" and "not-oh-fucking-kay" because I know that if/ once I do purge I'm going to completely spiral back down, but I can't keep going how I have been lately.

Mondays have always been my lucky days because they mean a new start. I'm hoping that that goes for tomorrow.

I need some inspiration to get back on track. Tumblr isn't cutting it recently. I have some free periods with A tomorrow; maybe something will come of it.

oh.my.god.

My mom just left the apartment and I asked my sister where she went. "To the hospital." Uh... What?

Apparently my other sister, who's not yet sixteen, was at a party last night and got so drunk that she couldn't ask anyone to call my mom or give them her number or anything so she ended up in the hospital, presumably because her friend's parents didn't know what else to do with her. And that would explain where my mom disappeared off to last night; she went to pick her up but they said they wanted to keep her overnight.

I knew my sister likes to go to parties and I knew she drinks, but I guess I wouldn't have expected her to be so... stupid? Maybe that's a bad word, but I can't think of any other way to put it.

Either way, she's in a shitload of trouble.

(Now I'm going to talk about a lot of alcoholism and a little eating disorder stuff but it's turning really long so I'm putting it below a cut)

20. October

For the record: I did eat the chocolate. And some bread. And it was all yummy.

I spent almost all day in my bed, except when I went out to return bottles. I think I need to go for a longer walk tomorrow. Two days in bed isn't great.

I'm still caught between restrict- no start purging again when you binge- no just eat super healthy no more chocolate or white bread- no eat what you want. This always happen when I start gaining weight. But I think hope that maybe if I fight through it in the end I won't be binging as much. Somehow. And then I can go back to maintaining that weight that I actually felt alright at.

...Cleanse?

I've been living off veggies and fruits today. Which means I've been eating maximum every two hours because they don't keep you full as long. And I did manage to not count calories until about thirty minutes ago when I started craving chocolate and wanted to see if I "could" have some tonight.

Then I went to sit with  my family for dinner and I don't think anyone said a word to me until towards the end I guess I looked a little annoyed and my mom said I could go in my room if I didn't want to be a part of this. "This" being my siblings all being obnoxious as hell, but so be it.

I still haven't made up my mind about the chocolate.

19. October or, a Boy and a Bitch

Most of this doesn't have so much to do with my eating disorder or anything, but I realized that since I made this blogger and changed the settings on my app and everything, my old blogger where I would just post all the random things that happened that I didn't want to forget is gone. Or at least, I can't remember any of the log-in information.

So today at school I had two free periods and thanks to the exactly perfect classes being cancelled, A had them with me. And thanks to perfect luck and him not being stupid, we ended up sharing a seat the whole time which meant we were talking and hanging out the whole time and it was quite fantastic. And it doesn't help that he smells amazing, always very clean, which I find super attractive. Nor that we were... I guess it was as close as you could get to cuddling without actually cuddling.

What did we talk about again... A lot of just normal story-telling and whatnot. He lost his phone on the bus the other day. I stressed out about a paper I was about to turn in. Other things. But then I mentioned Adam Levine and that led to us talking about celebrities and our types and he's in love with Megan Fox and Vanessa Hudgens (at this point I started considering dying my hair darker...) but then, referring to Megan, he said, "Yea, she's exactly my type: unattainable." And I had the most idiotic reaction, something between a high-pitched "awwww!" and a bitterly derisive is-this-the-reason-he's-been-acting-all-shy-and-whatnot-if-so-kill-me-now laugh.

But maybe I did something right because as we were walking to our class together he asked what I was doing on the weekend. He's never really asked that when we'd hang out Fridays after school; he always left it with a "schönes Wochenende" and that was that. So when I said that I hadn't planned anything and asked what about him and he said he didn't have anything planned either, I was holding my breath to see what he might possibly have said next... And then I had to turn off to go to my class. But we would still hang out at the train station like usual, right?

As soon as we got off the bus, J completely threw herself at him and started her laugh-at-everything-loud-enough-for-the-whole-city-to-hear routine. Fucking hell. And they were both headed into the city, so I walked a little fast so as to be ahead of them, turned my music up to drown her voice out, and kept on going. A knows that I always go to this one store to pass the time, but I didn't end up seeing him. He really doesn't like J either though, so I'm hoping guessing he ducked out as early as he could. But so much for maybe making plans for the weekend. And next weekend I'm busy with a few birthdays in the family.

Anyways, there's a glance into my personal life for anyone who cares. I feel like such a middle schooler typing all this out. Even more so because it's bothering me so much and I know that I'm going to spend all weekend thinking about it. I couldn't concentrate in history at all...

Food-wise today was... alright. I think I'm going to do a little cleanse over the weekend, just stick to veggies and maybe fruits or something. The last week of binging left me feeling really gross and bloated, but I don't want to start restricting. I've stopped using my nutrition tracker because I want to try to stop counting calories, but that's such a habit right now it's going to take a little time. And I keep forgetting to call my therapist. Whoops.

18. October

Today was boring. I stayed home and wrote a paper and watched Gossip Girl and American Horror Story and filled in my planner and crocheted and that's pretty much it.

There's really not much more to say.

Getting My Shit Together

I wanted to write about this a little while ago and at the moment I really feel like I'm slipping again, so maybe talking about it will help me get my shit together... again.

Basically last weekend I decided to get a few things done that I've been putting off for... over a year, really. Little things like making a bank account (no more hiding money in my Bible), sorting out my own insurance papers for therapy, and making my own appointments and financial plans and everything gave me an overwhelming feeling of maturity and independence. And sure enough, a few days later, my mom commented on how it was nice seeing me take charge of my own life again.

I matured quickly, I think. When I was a lot younger I was... socially awkward isn't the right word. Annoying, more like. I was the weird kid who thought she was super funny and felt the need to voice every thought that half formed in her head. And I had friends, but most of the people I just annoyed. But at some point, and I don't really know when, I sort of brought my head down to Earth. I was still loud and talkative, but not obnoxious like before and most of what I said actually made sense. Teachers, people at church, and my parents friends all loved me. That's sort of a big thing to say, but I really was that star child- perfect grades, active in church, a good circle of friends, athletic, plenty of extracurriculars... Does this sound like the stereotypical profile for someone with an eating disorder? Would it be even better if I mentioned all the problems I had at home that no one knew about because we were just the model family?

Anyways, once my eating disorder came about I slowly lost all of that. First I quite school clubs, then sports, then my grades dropped (although they never went low enough where my mom could really complain; but still, they dropped). Up until we moved I stayed super involved at church though and had better friends than ever, but as soon as we did move both of those dropped to about zero. And I completely stopped taking care of myself. If my mom wanted something to get done, she could do it herself. I could take care of myself, or so I thought; I didn't need much.

The things is, I knew the whole time that everything I was doing was immature and illogical. I know that what I was thinking was wrong. But I didn't care. I thought that either I could be an exception (not likely) or I could die. Except that I never really thought I would die (except for a short phase where I completely romanticized the idea of killing myself and would come up with different plans for how to do it sending what message) because I figured if it ever got "too bad" or if I got sick of making myself sick I could stop. But I knew I didn't want to and by the time I did decide I wanted to be done, it was harder to stop than I would've thought.

Anyways, the fact that  I actually got around to doing all this and started really working on my future and making sure that I have one is a really good thing. I'm cursing myself now for wasting so much money on binge food, blades, and cigarettes, but that is what it is. I'm actually really lucky that I have another year and a half of school before I go off to university; almost all of my friends in America are moved out and living on their own and I can't imagine what I a train wreck I'd be if I had to do that this summer too.

"Sick" Day

I hardly ever stay home when I'm actually sick- I'd rather suffer through a day at school coughing and sneezing all day and then stay home "sick" when I actually need it. The problem this year was that I was going to have to miss school for doctor's appointments and therapy, so I didn't want to end up missing too much. So now I feel ridiculously guilty, even though I haven't missed any class more than once yet and I really did need this day off. I have a huge history paper to finish and a whole bunch of random crap to catch up on, even though we just had two weeks of vacation and another nine or something until the next one.

On the bright side, I'll be getting around to some of those posts I wanted to type out today and I can update the theme and pages on FYB's tumblr.

17. October

Well. Today started out good... Then got worse when I got home. I'm so glad I've started writing every day because it makes it so much easier to spot these patterns. This is actually how my worst downward spiral started out. I would be fine at school, but as soon as I came home the stress hit. Last time I had a lot of problems at home and fighting with the family and everything, which we've sorted out, but I'm starting to feel some of the same problems rising again, most of them having to do with the trust issues I haven't resolved with my mom. And, like last time, even though I'm doing better in school with friends and everything, it's almost like the extra happiness I experience during the day has to be taken out from somewhere, namely from evenings at home.

There's not a whole lot more to say. School was school. I talked to people and went to class and rode the bus home. Then I binged (after I posted I ate even more) and went to driver's ed and now I have the rest of a history paper to write and it's after 9 p.m. and I got shit sleep last night and am going to get shit sleep tonight and have a full schedule tomorrow.

And now that I'm stressed out my ED thoughts are running loose. I was just in the kitchen looking for more food to eat (I didn't) and now I'm almost setting rules like "no more food until I'm under x kg" or "I stopped eating just before seven so I have to wait until seven in the morning or evening tomorrow or morning on Friday..." and I have too much to think about to bother with them. I'm counting on the fact that I'll be thinking more rationally in the morning.

I also need to remember to give my therapist a call and set up my next appointment. I need to talk to her about keeping my emotions under control before I do something stupid like purge again.

16. October

I forgot to post yesterday- or rather, was up late typing a history essay and kept putting it off until after I finished. Which I have yet to, by the way.

Yesterday started off really well. School was actually... kind of awesome. I had a pair of free periods and during the first I worked in the library but wanted to go into the common room for the second because A would be there. And just as I'm crossing the lobby a group of guys, including A, is leaving. They were going to go down to Globus, a supermarket, and one of my friends asked if I wanted to go with. Uh, sure.

I know it's dumb and I sound like a twelve year talking about how cool it was to just go hang out with a group of guys, but I mean... Besides the fact that I love simple things, like a particularly fun free period, it's just another one of those times where I feel like I'm actually learning how to be me again and socialize. I spent most of last year keeping to myself, only speaking when spoken to, that sort of thing. One of my first proud little moments was a few weeks ago when I went over to M and A alone during a free period and just inserted myself into the conversation and ended up hanging out with them. That was one of those little things that shouldn't be a big deal and isn't for normal people, but which thanks to my eating disorder I hadn't done in forever. And then yesterday, going and hanging out with six guys (and a few of them were quite attractive in an intimidating way... then again, I still find a lot of people intimidating) and just being normal... It's nice.

But not exactly something I can talk about with my friends here. "Hey, BFF! Guess what I did today! Talked to M and A! Omg isn't that so crazy?" No. Especially because BFF isn't one to talk about things like that. I actually lost her for a bit when I left school for the clinic. I can understand how she might have felt at first, because she knew nothing about any of my problems until I texted her a rushed apology/explanation for why I wouldn't be in school for the next few days. But when she said that she understood because her brother has borderline personality disorder too, I thought I might be able to talk to her about it. We're fine now, but I guess we just kind of pretend my problems don't exist. Then again, I'm almost always in a good mood when I'm around her, so I guess she doesn't have a reason to suspect I'm not doing as well as I'd have everyone believe.
I don't know. That's a different, complicated subject.

Things went weirdly well with A yesterday. We hung out mostly together in Globus and before then we had had a fire drill and he and his friends came over to where I was standing with my friends (the whole school evacuated to a soccer field) and he ended up hanging back to walk back with me. Which was all really weird because he used to do the same kinds of things until a week or so before the break he just kind of stopped. I'm not letting my hopes up too much, but I guess I haven't completely ruled anything out. I don't even know right now; I'm quite tired. And I tend to either judge things as good or bad and then go with it full-steam, so I kind of have to wait and see what happens in the long run.

Food-wise... I had been doing so well until evening. I can't even remember what the trigger was. I think part of it was a comment a girl left on a picture of BFF and I where she had posed all adorable-like (she's fucking gorgeous, by the way) and I had a sillier pose and this girl said that BFF could be modeling the sweater but I was almost scaring her. It wasn't meant in a bad way or anything but that sums up my biggest problem with our friendship- my overwhelming jealousy and insecurity- so boom. Mini binge.
I feel like there was something else to it as well, but I don't remember anymore.

I'm off to driver's ed now- first class! When I come back I'll post about today (it's only 6:30...) if I'm still awake at all.

Things I want to write about.

• Getting my shit together and taking charge
• Questioning my sexuality (because of my ED?)
• Plans for the future/ where I want to be in x years
• [not writing, but] that video

And of course school's started back up, which means I'm short on time. But hopefully I'll have these posts done by... the weekend.

15. October

Today was actually a pretty good day.

BFF acted completely normal at school- she even gave me an extra long hug at the train station. I still noticed that she talked with her other friend about her new boyfriend and didn't really mention anything to me about it at all, but I mean. It could've been worse. After school she messaged me on facebook that J had sent her a message wishing them all the happiness, blah blah blah. None of us really understood that; I think J is trying to create point she can use to say that she's "trying to be a good friend" and "BFF is the one who doesn't want to do anything." Alright. But at least it got the subject going and she was already online (I had her trapped- haha!) so I said that I am really happy for them, even if it was a bit of a surprise. And she said she does it spontaneously and we kept the mood light so I said something like that that's always the most fun. And then I actually had to go so conversation over.

Other than that, only good things happened. We had a test in sport (how many times can you kick the soccer ball against the wall from 4 m away in thirty seconds) and I was best for the girls (tied with J actually, grrr) and better than a good number of the guys. And I hung out with another girl and helped her practice and we talked a bit and that was nice. I like talking to new people. I feel like once people start talking to me they realize that I'm not completely antisocial and weird, I just need a few minutes to open up.

I ordered 50 Shades of Mr Darcy a few days ago and it was waiting on my bed today. I'm so excited to read this book. The only thing is my mom's super excited to read it too and keeps asking if she can borrow it when I'm done which is really awkward.

Food-wise I did well too. I mean, I maybe could've eaten a little more, but I didn't completely restrict? I'm using that nutrition tracker, at least for a week or so. I'm telling myself that it's because I really need to know that I'm getting the minerals I need (I want to be able to actually donate blood and not have to worry about my iron levels) but I know that part of it is definitely me wanting to watch what I eat. I have to be careful and stay healthy. It is nice to be able to see the days where my intake spikes really high due to a mini binge and then watch how often that happens and if it happens less and less. But like I said. I need to be careful.

There a really cute girl who rides my bus home sometimes and she was there today. And for pretty much the past few weeks/months/idek we've sort of made eye contact a few times but the kind where it could either actually mean something or it's just awkward coincidence. Then today I was on the bus already when she got on and as she got closer to me we made that eye contact again and I looked away and sort of smiled- and she took the seat right in front of me. So I mean. I guess if she were really creeped out she probably would've gone behind me- there were plenty of open seats. But I don't know. I spent the ride trying to think of a way to talk to her or give her my number. But a) it was a damn bus ride and b) this has awkward fail written all over it. I don't know. Now that BFF has her boyfriend there's no way I can even kid myself anymore that anything could ever happen there. And this girl is really. Effing. Adorable. And not in an obvious way, but I absolutely think so. I don't know. We'll see.

I also haven't completely given up hope on A or M (both guys, more long stories). I have a plan to get A- and come to think of it, M too- talking a bit tomorrow in our free period.

But yea. Today was just a good day. And I really want to keep it going tomorrow.

14. October

Today, like most days, started off well enough but ended badly.

There was that thing with my friend. And I had texted her and just never got a reply, which launched a whole new round of questions and doubts and I don't even knows. And she's been online and talking with other people, so it's not like she's busy and just forgot to reply. And I don't know. It's been bothering me. So naturally I projected the stress from that onto food. Read: mini-binge.

It wasn't too bad, I just kept eating bread and chocolate after dinner. And I really can't complain about the amount- it wasn't like it was thousands of calories above a normal intake. But I know it was all out of control and stress-related and I hate that.

But honestly, it could've been worse and I could be feeling worse about it right now. I just finished skyping with a friend I haven't talked to in a while (two weeks- for the two of us, that's a really long time) so I'm in a better mood.

And today was otherwise a nice day. It was Stadtfest (=city fest) so the stores were open and tents were up and there was music on every other corner. I walked around with my mom and got some yarn for the scarf I want to crochet myself and we drank Glühwein (a Christmas-y sweet/spiced wine) and talked with my Oma and our neighbor. It was just nice.

So I guess even though food-wise today wasn't great, I handled it alright. That's something.

Video coming soon?

I've sort of had something on my mind a lot and I'm thinking of making a video to talk about it. It has to do with recovery (of course) and realizing that the things you do to yourself because of your ED are NOT normal and you DON'T deserve them.

And I've noticed that people are actually checking and reading this blog, so I'd feel like I'm actually talking to someone.

I still have to think about it though, because I mean. It would be me talking in front of a camera about things that I don't talk easily about in general.

Love you too, BFF.

[Since a friend found a blog of mine before, I've been really paranoid about using names. Even though if the people I write about found this they'd probably know exactly who I'm referring too, it seems like it would be easier for them to find it in the first place if I used their names. I don't know if that's rational or not, but so be it.]

BFF has a boyfriend. Another friend of hers actually set the two up a few months ago and now they're publicly in a relationship (I don't know how long they've actually been together... A week ago she asked me about which dates- 10.10.12, 11.10.12, 12.10.12- looked better in print. She said it was for a dumb conversation and at the time I didn't want to pry because I thought she was talking with a different guy who I was actually interested in, but yea. Wow. Point is, they've probably been together a little longer).

This is going to be a problem for me personally because I already know I'm going to get jealous and won't want to "share" her. But that's a personal thing that I'm going to have to deal with and I don't think I'll get too angry at her about it. Or if I do, I'll be able to differentiate between the emotionally unstable part of me and the logically sound part of me. So I can deal with that.

What kind of pissed me off was that she didn't say a word to me. Every time he came up in conversation she only talked about how he was so annoying and she didn't invite him to our party because he'd just be annoying. She acted differently around him though- letting him hold her hand and posting little hearts on his wall- and I was actually going to ask her about that when we saw each other again on Monday because I noticed her seeming really into this other guy (I'll call him A- he'll definitely be coming up again) and nobody wants to consider their best friend a slut, but it was getting hard not to.
But I wanted to ask her about it in a non-accusing way and now I don't even have the chance because BAM! I got to see on facebook that they're together now. Which is the worst way of finding out.

I tried not to let it bother me too much and figured a lot of the worrying was how things between she and I would change and I mean, it's not like I've been keeping her updating on the guys I like or talk to. So I sent her a text, something like "what's going on here? I thought he was soooo annoying :p No matter, I'm happy for you guys :***"

She's been on and seen it, but no reply. Which means I won't get one. And THAT really pisses me off.

The thing is, she has enough friends that if I get mad at her she won't really care. I'll be the one trying to find anyone to hang out with during breaks and she'll have plenty of other people. And considering this other girl, J, has already been spreading shit about me (another long story) I don't want that coming from two directions.

So I'm just going to try to make it through today. Yesterday ended really well and today has potential and tomorrow I can deal with BFF.

13. October

Today was a really good day.

I went with my mom to the gym this morning and ate really well all day. Somehow I managed the perfect combination of healthy, feel-good foods with treats mixed in. I don't want this to turn into posting intakes or anything, but this morning I had a hot chocolate (with real sugar instead of stevia and no measuring) and a little later I piece of chocolate from my sister's birthday gift and after dinner I had most of a pack of marzipan balls- which used to be my favorite. I don't feel triggered at all, just satisfied.

I did download a nutritional tracker and I'm not sure if I should use it or not. I don't want to start restricting, but at the same time I want to know if I'm getting enough of everything, what with my sporadic vegan kicks and whatnot. Maybe I'll ask my therapist if it's a good idea for me. When I told her I used to follow a vegan diet to stabilize my borderline personality disorder she didn't think it was a bad idea or anything. But I didn't talk much (read: at all) about how it turned into a way for me to control what I ate more. Then again, that only last a month or so before I started binging/purging everything again.

I don't know. Right now I'm proud of today and looking forward to the Stadtfest tomorrow and I can worry about everything else after.

Purging Stories (TW)

I saw a post today on WhyEat about the weirdest places you've purged and I started thinking about the thousands of times I've purged and where and which times still stand out... I'm going to talk about some of them but put them under a read more break as a trigger warning.

My mum's worrying me a bit.

We had the family over last night and both of us overdid it on the pizza. And we had been planning on going to the gym together today all week. So it's all fine and dandy until on the way here she asks me what we should make for dinner and "I'm not eating today, I think I really did have a whole pizza last night" and while I don't like the idea i'm used to her erratic eating patterns.

Now we're here and working out. I put in a hard 20 minutes on the treadmill then did Mayr half an hour of machines and arm work. I was ready to go home then buy she said she wasn't finished and needed another 45 minutes to fit in more cardio. So I went to the stair stepper and just too it easy and she joins me a bit later. Apparently she wants to go another 45 hard minutes.

The fact that she's not eating today because of last night or the fact that she's pushing herself pretty hard at the gym alone wouldn't be so bad, but combine the two and I don't like it at all. Especially because it's going to end with her binging tonight. I want to talk to her about it but I'm not good at talking to her. We'll see...

12. October

Today was pretty similar to yesterday, but slightly less dramatic.

It started out really well again- I got a lot done and even hung out with my mom. Eating went well, I didn't measure anything and calorie-counting didn't go past loose estimates that I still do automatically just because I know the calories in so many foods. But I wasn't worrying about it.

Then I found out that my aunt and uncle were coming over tonight for the game and we were ordering pizza. I decided I was going to eat a few slices and drink some wine and enjoy the evening. And I did, at first. At one point I just started to keep eating and ended up not really binging, sort of "grazing binging" as I think of it. Even though I was full I kept on reaching for more as the night went on and even went into the kitchen to eat a slice or two alone because I didn't want to be eating in front of people the whole time. But I've stopped now and we're watching the game *deep breath* I'm going to be fine.

I am looking forward to tomorrow- my mom and I are going to the gym nice and early which means I'll be in a healthy mood all day. And I'm going to try to not sleep afterwards (even though I'll be tired from staying up later tonight) and then get to bed early and get my sleep back on track for school Monday. And Sunday is Stadtfest, so we'll be walking around the city and hopefully enjoying some french fries or crepes or some other festival food.

Basically it's nice to have some healthy days where you just feel really good but it's nice to have days where you can eat sugary junk food and it all balances out somehow. That's where I want to get to someday- I'm on my way there but the sugary junk food days don't end well. But someday.

All or Nothing

The two main disorders I'm dealing with are bulimia nervosa and borderline personality disorder. Bulimia is pretty clear, but here's an excerpt from the U.S. National Library of Medicine:

People with BPD are often uncertain about their identity. As a result, their interests and values may change rapidly.

People with BPD also tend to see things in terms of extremes, such as either all good or all bad. Their views of other people may change quickly. A person who is looked up to one day may be looked down on the next day. These suddenly shifting feelings often lead to intense and unstable relationships.

Other symptoms of BPD include:

• Fear of being abandoned
• Feelings of emptiness and boredom
• Frequent displays of inappropriate anger
• Impulsiveness with money, substance abuse, sexual relationships, binge eating, or shoplifting
• Intolerance of being alone
• Repeated crises and acts of self-injury, such as wrist cutting or overdosing

That pretty much sums me up. Luckily I've gotten past the self-injury and I'm fine with being alone for the most part and I've got my anger under control, but the rest I still struggle with.

Which brings me to the point of this. The all-or-nothing dilemma. Days are either good or bad. Food is either good or bad. My grades are either good or bad. Everything I do, everything that happens to me, good or bad. Including recovery. Recovery had been going so well, and since I went to Norway- no, it had started before that- it's been getting worse. Nothing new is happening in my life. I haven't gotten any surprisingly good grades in school and even though I haven't gotten any bad ones either, because there's nothing new and good the whole situation is ruled as bad. I've been trying to figure out how I feel for two different people- a guy I've just started getting to know, and my (female) best friend. I actually thought I had a shot with either of them. After the party it seems like there's a better chance of the two of them getting together than of me ever having a shot with anyone here. With my family... I mean it's not horribly bad and I'm even going to the gym with my mom on Saturday, something I never used to be able to do, but things still happen like today how they were all in my room.

Basically, I'm headed downhill and I need something good to happen to bring me back up but nothing good happens to me.

11. October

Today was going so incredibly well, until plans changed. Then it went badly. Because that hasn't happened to me a thousand times before.

I already mentioned that I started off with a banana and brötchen (bread roll) for breakfast, then went to the gym? I got a few other really big things done, like finally opening a bank account, and I called my Oma about visiting her and she mentioned that she was going to my Uroma's and my uncle would be there and asked if I wanted to come. Sure.

So until the point when I left I'd been having a really super healthy day. And I felt great. And when my great aunt brought out bread caked with butter and cheese and meat and huge cinnamon rolls, I politely declined. I'm still not able to really eat butter (and I'm vegetarian) but the cinnamon rolls shouldn't have been a problem except that I was already in a stressed mood, which normally happens when I'm visiting with people where I have to fake every single smile after the first twenty minutes, and I didn't want to completely ruin the good day I was having.

Then we went back to my Oma's and my uncle and his family were going to come over and I dunno, I don't really feel like typing it all out. But basically we ate dinner and it ended up being a lot more than I'd have liked and with the champagne and wine my really good day turned average then decent then bad within a few hours. And once I got home I had more brötchen even though I wasn't hungry at all. Oh, and then a bunch of chocolate.

I was just doing so well and now I don't know how long it's going to be until I have another chance at a good day like that. I've already given up on tomorrow since everyone's going to be over at our place for dinner and that's going to drag out and just be... uncomfortable.

My anxiety's been acting up a little too. During the party Tuesday night at one point a few of my friends began throwing rocks at the bottles sitting on a rail. And I was sitting on the floor to the side a little, not in danger of being hit (even though a few pebbles did bounce and hit me, but not hard or anything) and I was already in a bad mood and I had a mini anxiety attack. I just sort of covered my head with my jacket and every time I heard a rock cringed and started shaking... But I guess everyone assumed I was tired. My best friend even asked if I was alright, and I said I was fine, so I mean. Yea.
Anyways, today I came home and my mom was in my room sitting on my bed. I almost flipped out. She has no fucking idea how triggering it is when she even steps into my room, especially when it's obvious she's scanning the place looking for something that will undoubtedly give away the relapse she doesn't think I'm ever far away from. And to come home to her just sitting on my bed... I'm still not over it. And then she just came in and said that I guess everyone was in my room because my sisters needed my charger and didn't want to move it so just stayed in here. And I can't handle that right now, I have no idea how badly I'm going to sleep tonight thinking about who's going to come in next and my sleep had been finally getting a little better.

I really hope I can make tomorrow better. I hate that today had so much potential and just a little change in plans could ruin that. I need a good day; I haven't had one in such a long time. My life is so... blah. And I'm in the mood to type now so here comes a separate post.

Real or Not Real?

I'm really trying to stay grounded right now. I know that no matter what my ED tells me, no matter what I think I want to or need to do, I have to stick to a normal, healthy diet. Just like the say to fake confidence and it will eventually come naturally, I guess the same applies here.

I started playing this game with myself, Real or Not Real? From The Hunger Games, obviously, but it works really well. If I think I want something or a thought pops into my head, I ask myself if the thought was real (my own) or not real (the ED's). That's normally the easy part though. Choosing to actually listen to it, even if I know it's not my own thought, is more difficult sometimes. Like last night.

But I've just had a banana for breakfast and I'm not hungry for much else (I think that's real). I want to go to the gym too, but I've been wanting to forever and I have a test in sport on Monday so a little exercise won't hurt. Exercise isn't something I've ever been worried about because even during my anorexic-tendencies phase I was never a compulsive over-exerciser or anything close to it. And the tension's been building up the last few weeks to the point where I feel like I need to get out and just run a bit to let it out. I used to love running, before my ED- once my ED started I actually liked running and working out less and less.

Now that I'm typing this up and thinking, that banana made such a difference. Whenever I get into little ruts where I start listening to my ED thoughts more, just saying no to them once makes a huge difference. It's nice to have the majority of my mind back.

10. October

I just typed up a normal-sized post but it was very unorganized and I didn't like it. So here's a longer post, but with more (possibly unnecessary) detail.

Today was... Not good. It's hard to say that because I usually judge a day as good or bad based on if and how often I binged and/or purged. But from that perspective, the last two months have been excellent; I haven't purged (two months on Friday) and my binges are smaller now- nowhere near the massive hunger attacks I used to have, but still bad enough that they are binges. But if I actually focus on my mental state, today wasn't very good at all.

I threw a small party last night, I think there were five of us altogether. And long story short, it started off well but by the end of the night I was feeling more lonely than I have in... a long time. So this morning, after everyone left, I started at the bread rolls and nutella. And as I was eating I realized that I was about to get so out of control and the restrictive thoughts that have been creeping back in as I've been gaining weight got the better of me and so at 10 a.m. sharp I decided to fast, for the first time in ages. And I told myself that I would either go for fifty hours or until I was at least under 74 kg. (I'm normally around 71, but shot up to 75 in the past two weeks.)

Then the whole day I had that internal battle going on. Do I keep fasting? Do I try to start eating normally and get back on track? Purging wasn't an option- that's a road I refuse to go back down. But before long the old forums were back up, the most triggering episodes of Skins playing, and I haven't been able to make myself eat anything since then. It's almost 11 p.m.

This is a weird feeling; I haven't had such a restrictive mindset in a while. And while I know that it can be as dangerous as binging/purging, part of me thinks it's at least a small improvement. I'm not "programmed" for true anorexia and the chances of me falling in too deep are next to zero. Most likely I'll wake up hungry and get on with my life. But a part of me is getting really excited right now, that maybe I could push through and lose a bunch of weight and I don't know.

I don't know. I've been too tired and worn out to think much today. I don't really get hungover in the sense that I have headaches or anything the next morning, I just lay in bed all day and don't get anything done. And that's mostly because all my friends are at home sleeping off their hangovers, so there's nothing to do. But add that to the fact that thinking about last night only hurts, and if I actually think about anything it'll lead to thinking about last night, it was nice to just play mindless computer games and watch Skins all day.

I still can't even begin to decide what kind of goals I should set myself for tomorrow. I should say "I will eat normally and not fast" but if I do it's only because I know I'm supposed to. I don't actually want to at all. We'll see what happens in the morning.

**Update**
I ate. Some bread. It tasted bland and I feel like I took the easy way out. But I made myself do it. Part of me liked it. Part of me says I may as well raid the kitchen now.

Fuck Your Bulimia is on blogger!

If you're reading this, you most likely came across the link on my tumblr. If you found it some other way, that link will take you to the original Fuck Your Bulimia, an advice/support tumblr for anyone struggling with an eating disorder, but particularly geared towards bulimia nervosa.

I'm a huge blog person- I love writing, but have trust issues at home that make it almost impossible for me to be comfortable leaving anything personal in print lying around. It's super practical to be able to write anytime, anywhere on my phone. And even if no one ever reads it, there's something about posting on the internet that makes you feel like you might just be heard.

So after some mulling around, I've decided to create a more personal blog to accompany FYB. I'm not sure exactly what the blogger version is going to turn into, but I'm visioning a more personal blog- somewhere I can post about my daily struggles with recovery. I hope that putting it out there where other people will read it will not only help me in feeling like I'm not alone, but it'll also help me learn to be more honest and unashamed of my mistakes (as much progress as I've made, I still have not once been able to tell anyone that I'm doing anything but well). And most importantly, I hope that anyone reading this might find something they can relate to and feel less alone as well.

I suppose I'll put some of this in the sidebar, but for the record you can always contact me at FYB on tumblr. There is an ask box where you can submit anonymously even if you don't have an account. And there are links to my personal tumblr (again, with an anonymous ask feature) and facebook. Feel free to contact me, add me, message me, whatever.

I'll leave it at that for now. I'm going to start by making it a point to post once a day about how my day went. Maybe I'll throw in an article or thought here or there. If you have any questions or anything you can always leave a comment (I hope that feature is turned on/ available here... give me a little time to orient myself here).

Stay strong, and fuck bulimia<3