25. October

Blah. Today was boring. School was actually kind of shit, even though now that I think of it I pretty much rocked every class. Especially math. I really don't like math because we have this weird temp teacher and he makes me nervous because I don't get as good of grades on his pop quizzes as I did with our normal teacher. But I do love being the best at something and this week we've been doing different proofs and they were all really simple and now I'm really sounding full of myself but I mean. I had the one done when the girl next to me asked if I had figured out where to even begin yet. And she's one of the smarter ones too.

Anyways. Moving on from the unhealthy effect math class has on my ego.

Thinking back now, I don't even know what was so bad. I mean, I was tired. And things with A are so weird right now and it's bothering me more than I should be letting it. But it's hard when... gah, I don't even know where to begin. WHY IS THIS BOTHERING ME SO MUCH. Tomorrow's Friday which means that unless J pulls another bitch move we'll hopefully be able to hang out and talk and that'll at least tell me... something. (Note to self: remember to buy the junk food I promised my brother as a birthday gift) It's also still kind of hard to distinguish between actually reading into what he says/does and my own distorted pessimism. But I'm going to wait until tomorrow, because right now I'm just about convinced that whatever I thought might have been there isn't there anymore and now I'm just making myself look dumb.

Other than that, I don't even know. Food was.. normal, I guess. My mom and sisters were baking for my brother's birthday and I had some of the batter, no big deal, but then I started feeling like if I were alone in the kitchen I'd be finishing off the bowl (which included enough batter for about 15 more cupcakes) so I made dinner quickly and drank a little extra to fill up. Not like extreme water hoarding, just until I felt nice and full. I think I mentioned at some point how dealing with a full stomach is easier sometimes than dealing with life.

I'm nervous for tomorrow. It's my brother's birthday (because I haven't mentioned that a few times already) which means family will be over for cake and stuff as soon as I get home, then we're all going to his soccer game, and afterwards we're ordering pizza. I cannot have just one slice of cake. I cannot have just one (or two) slice(s) of pizza. Those are possibly my two most triggering foods. And if I have a stressful day at school tomorrow, which will basically come down to how things go with A (because I have such a good feeling about that right now) but could easily be ruined if I get called out on in history and mess that grade up, I know how tomorrow will end. That's what happened at the last... I don't even know how many birthdays. Two of my sisters in September. My 18th... wasn't so bad. I ate a ton but I'd decided the day before that I was going to eat what I want and fucking enjoy it. And before that we go back to my mom's birthday in March and that day actually marked the end of my two-month-happy-healthy-recovery-phase and the start of my shit-got-really-fucking-bad-phase.

Now that I think of all that, I need to make tomorrow a good day. If I can make it through a birthday party and have cake or cookies and pizza or whatever and not lose control of my eating... That would be so awesome. And if I don't, hopefully I can keep the damage to a minimum. I'm finally getting out of my rut and I will not fall back down again.
But it would be best to just make tomorrow a good day. Mental prep time.

(I forgot to write about my aunt's email. And I wanted to talk about people and how they treat me/ act in regard to my ED. And I still want to maybe make that video. What's putting it off one more day?)