The weekend was really bad and I couldn't write about the bad stuff while it was still going on. But I'm doing fine now and so I can sort of look back and write about all the things that happened in the past. Does anyone else know what I'm talking about?
I don't remember specifics anymore, just that my mom and I got in a crazy fight that pretty much peaked on Saturday. I stayed home from a family thing that night but called ahead and went to my Oma on Sunday and that ended up being really nice. We talked about things and ended up going for a long walk then coming back and eating leftovers. Yum.
I cut myself on Saturday. November 6th would have been six months clean. That was the really bad part that I couldn't bring myself to talk about. It wasn't too dangerous or anything like that, just a few scratches- I mean to say that I'm not injured or anything, not to minimize the idea of any type of self harm. But that was that. It was... I don't know. I thought the whole time about how I didn't need to, I'd regret it in the morning, I'd come so far and didn't want to throw it away. The same things I've told myself for the past almost six months. But I didn't want to push through and I didn't want to be strong and I just thought that I wanted to let myself break. All I've done the past few months is push through the shit and not let myself drop off the edge and I just wanted one night to not have to be strong.
I did end up regretting it, but not until today really.
It was a bit of a wake up in a sense, because I've been feeling so great about not purging in almost three months which is longer than I've ever held out for, but three months is nothing. Six months is nothing. I got an email from my aunt that made me realize five years can be thrown away in one night. The thought is daunting.
But things turned around Sunday and I sort of picked myself up. I'd been binging most of the last week, but Sunday I.. did a little better. I didn't end up eating much on Monday, but I'm back to eating regularly and healthy (with treats here and there of course) and it's all good again.
"... but three months is nothing. Six months is nothing ..."
AntwortenLöschenNo: three months is three months. Six months is six months. That's a fucking long time. And of course you should feel great about it! I would. A day is great for someone who purges multiple times a day. Any lengths of time without purging is great.
It sucks to break a good streak, but try not to think of it that way: it is normal in the process of recovery. It is not fucking up, it is just the process of getting better.
Anyway - thanks for linking to the Science of Eating Disorders blog! I'm glad you like it :)
Let me know if there's anything interesting you would be interested in reading about.
Cheers
Thanks for this comment :) You're definitely right; I know I need to focus on the progress I'm making.
AntwortenLöschenI will let you know if I think of anything! I love your articles :)
Yeah I agree with Tetyana...it even hurts me to hear you say how 5 yrs can be lost in one night. I'm not sure exactly what you're talking about, but bad choices cannot erase progress. The progress is ALWAYS there, no matter what happens in the future, you learn from the progress and the mistakes and you are stronger for all of it.
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