10. October

I just typed up a normal-sized post but it was very unorganized and I didn't like it. So here's a longer post, but with more (possibly unnecessary) detail.

Today was... Not good. It's hard to say that because I usually judge a day as good or bad based on if and how often I binged and/or purged. But from that perspective, the last two months have been excellent; I haven't purged (two months on Friday) and my binges are smaller now- nowhere near the massive hunger attacks I used to have, but still bad enough that they are binges. But if I actually focus on my mental state, today wasn't very good at all.

I threw a small party last night, I think there were five of us altogether. And long story short, it started off well but by the end of the night I was feeling more lonely than I have in... a long time. So this morning, after everyone left, I started at the bread rolls and nutella. And as I was eating I realized that I was about to get so out of control and the restrictive thoughts that have been creeping back in as I've been gaining weight got the better of me and so at 10 a.m. sharp I decided to fast, for the first time in ages. And I told myself that I would either go for fifty hours or until I was at least under 74 kg. (I'm normally around 71, but shot up to 75 in the past two weeks.)

Then the whole day I had that internal battle going on. Do I keep fasting? Do I try to start eating normally and get back on track? Purging wasn't an option- that's a road I refuse to go back down. But before long the old forums were back up, the most triggering episodes of Skins playing, and I haven't been able to make myself eat anything since then. It's almost 11 p.m.

This is a weird feeling; I haven't had such a restrictive mindset in a while. And while I know that it can be as dangerous as binging/purging, part of me thinks it's at least a small improvement. I'm not "programmed" for true anorexia and the chances of me falling in too deep are next to zero. Most likely I'll wake up hungry and get on with my life. But a part of me is getting really excited right now, that maybe I could push through and lose a bunch of weight and I don't know.

I don't know. I've been too tired and worn out to think much today. I don't really get hungover in the sense that I have headaches or anything the next morning, I just lay in bed all day and don't get anything done. And that's mostly because all my friends are at home sleeping off their hangovers, so there's nothing to do. But add that to the fact that thinking about last night only hurts, and if I actually think about anything it'll lead to thinking about last night, it was nice to just play mindless computer games and watch Skins all day.

I still can't even begin to decide what kind of goals I should set myself for tomorrow. I should say "I will eat normally and not fast" but if I do it's only because I know I'm supposed to. I don't actually want to at all. We'll see what happens in the morning.

**Update**
I ate. Some bread. It tasted bland and I feel like I took the easy way out. But I made myself do it. Part of me liked it. Part of me says I may as well raid the kitchen now.