24. October

Today wasn't super great but I'm actually feeling really good about typing this up because I think how I dealt with things shows that I have made progress and that in and of itself makes today actually kind of super great in a way.

School was boring. I was falling asleep all day and we watched movies in two of my three classes. On the bright side, I got 12 points on my math pop quiz, which is on the higher end of what I expected. On the down side, A was being all weird again, I realized I haven't even looked and the French vocab I need to know for tomorrow, BFF had to cancel our plans for next week, and... I don't know. I was just all over the place today.

But I came home and we still haven't really gone grocery shopping but I made do and had dinner. Fairly normal stuff. Then I got in a bit of a fight with my mom. Her laptop isn't working right so she's been coming in and taking my charger cable. If she would've asked the first time, it wouldn't be such a big deal. I'm a bit possessive, but I can recognize that and deal with it. The problem started when I came home last week and the cable was unplugged and I realized she had actually switched them and given me hers. Besides the fact that I had already been in a bad mood and didn't appreciate her leaving the cable unplugged, let alone just switching them, her coming into my room while I wasn't there kind of freaked me out. We still have all these trust issues that were a big party of my anxiety/ sleep problems earlier and I was just starting to get over them and then this happened. And since then almost every day I come home and she doesn't try to hide it or anything; it's obvious she just comes in and takes what she needs.

Anyways, today I plug the cable in (after checking that it was mine) and then there's still some error thing with the battery. Turns out her battery was the problem so she switched ours out and, surprise surprise, didn't bother switching them back or even replugging in the damn cable. Queue bad mood.

Then a little later I was looking through the kitchen for what I could set aside for school tomorrow and apparently they did stop at the store because we had new paper towel and a jar of cherries. So I scoop some out into a mini tupperware and make a sandwich and get that all ready. Go back in my room on tumblr and whatever. Half an hour later I hear my mom screaming and freaking out about who ate the cherries and apparently she bought them for a reason. Before I could formulate "here she comes" in my head she's opened my door and asked if I ate the cherries. "Uh, I packed a few away-" "That's great. Eat away!" Queue slammed door. Queue really fucking pissed off mood. Queue loud complaints which could be heard from across the apartment and her asking my siblings to run to the store to get more (had she listened for half a second I could've told her that I hadn't yet actually eaten the damn cherries) and a sarcastically yelled, "Nadya you might want to run to the store and buy cherries now!"

And this is where things get a little better. A few months (I just went to approximate how long ago and I realized I can't really say weeks anymore- yay!) I would've thought something along the lines of 'well fuck, I'll go fucking eat away, you fucking showed me, how the fuck do you fucking like me now?' and then proceeded to binge/purge, multiple times and using her money if possible.
Today I crocheted. I closed down the computer and grabbed the scarf I'm working on.
And when I heard her fighting with my sister (because once my mom gets angry she needs a little time to get it all out) and really could not deal with it anymore, I grabbed my phone and headphones and since I only had half an hour until driver's ed I just walked around the city until then anyways.

Yes. Progress. Good.

Ironically enough, I think my mom is under the impression that I was walking around (probably binging/purging) the whole time. I don't think she thought about driver's ed, because she called me as I was on my way home asking if I was coming home. If she knew I was at driver's ed she would've known that I'd be home just a little after 8:30. And we got let out early (our teacher couldn't miss the soccer game- only in Germany) or else I wouldn't have been able to answer, as she should have known.

Anyways, it's all good now. I'm going to sleep soon because I haven't been sleeping as well this week and need to catch up. French can wait.

Oh! I also just got an email from my aunt. I'm waiting to reply to it. I'll write about that tomorrow though; I'm pooped.