11. October

Today was going so incredibly well, until plans changed. Then it went badly. Because that hasn't happened to me a thousand times before.

I already mentioned that I started off with a banana and brötchen (bread roll) for breakfast, then went to the gym? I got a few other really big things done, like finally opening a bank account, and I called my Oma about visiting her and she mentioned that she was going to my Uroma's and my uncle would be there and asked if I wanted to come. Sure.

So until the point when I left I'd been having a really super healthy day. And I felt great. And when my great aunt brought out bread caked with butter and cheese and meat and huge cinnamon rolls, I politely declined. I'm still not able to really eat butter (and I'm vegetarian) but the cinnamon rolls shouldn't have been a problem except that I was already in a stressed mood, which normally happens when I'm visiting with people where I have to fake every single smile after the first twenty minutes, and I didn't want to completely ruin the good day I was having.

Then we went back to my Oma's and my uncle and his family were going to come over and I dunno, I don't really feel like typing it all out. But basically we ate dinner and it ended up being a lot more than I'd have liked and with the champagne and wine my really good day turned average then decent then bad within a few hours. And once I got home I had more brötchen even though I wasn't hungry at all. Oh, and then a bunch of chocolate.

I was just doing so well and now I don't know how long it's going to be until I have another chance at a good day like that. I've already given up on tomorrow since everyone's going to be over at our place for dinner and that's going to drag out and just be... uncomfortable.

My anxiety's been acting up a little too. During the party Tuesday night at one point a few of my friends began throwing rocks at the bottles sitting on a rail. And I was sitting on the floor to the side a little, not in danger of being hit (even though a few pebbles did bounce and hit me, but not hard or anything) and I was already in a bad mood and I had a mini anxiety attack. I just sort of covered my head with my jacket and every time I heard a rock cringed and started shaking... But I guess everyone assumed I was tired. My best friend even asked if I was alright, and I said I was fine, so I mean. Yea.
Anyways, today I came home and my mom was in my room sitting on my bed. I almost flipped out. She has no fucking idea how triggering it is when she even steps into my room, especially when it's obvious she's scanning the place looking for something that will undoubtedly give away the relapse she doesn't think I'm ever far away from. And to come home to her just sitting on my bed... I'm still not over it. And then she just came in and said that I guess everyone was in my room because my sisters needed my charger and didn't want to move it so just stayed in here. And I can't handle that right now, I have no idea how badly I'm going to sleep tonight thinking about who's going to come in next and my sleep had been finally getting a little better.

I really hope I can make tomorrow better. I hate that today had so much potential and just a little change in plans could ruin that. I need a good day; I haven't had one in such a long time. My life is so... blah. And I'm in the mood to type now so here comes a separate post.