This post is basically an unnecessarily long rant about my mom and the fight we're having, but long story short I spent most of yesterday eating and am now at metaphorical war with my mother.
I got in a huge fight with my mom, which I guess I saw coming. I came home early and went to sleep almost right away. I guess she was pissed at first because I took a bottle of water to school that was apparently supposed to be for the party and then I was asleep so I couldn't run out and buy another one (we only really drink carbonated water here so we just buy tons of 1,5 liter bottles of the stuff and we only had two left and apparently they were supposed to be left for the party. MY BAD.) and then later my grandpa was over and she wanted my computer cable- the thing that originally started all this- so she sent my sister in to wake me up and ask for it. Which pissed me off for so many reasons, mostly because (warning: heavy language coming) I was fucking tired from not being able to fucking sleep for the past fucking week because of my fucking anxiety coming back because she started coming into my room and taking whatever the fuck she wants while I'm gone again.
(I thought putting this off until today would help me calm down about it a bit...)
Anyways, I woke up and here's how the conversation went:
Me: .... and this couldn't wait?
Sister, running back to mom: she's asking if it could wait
Mom: No, later other people are going to be here
Sister, back to me: She says no, later other people are going to be here
Me: groan.
Sister, back to mom: I don't think she's going to give it to you, she's not doing anything
A few seconds later my mom comes in and starts going off about how my selfishness and fuck-you-attitude is really getting on her nerves and she's had it with me taking all the time and never giving and she's not sure what little depression I'm slipping into again but I can do what I want I'm just not getting any money from her.
Me: ... well fuck, I'm going back to sleep then.
Except I couldn't so I put on my coat and grabbed my phone, headphones, wallet, the usual stuff and was about to head out when my grandma and her husband arrived. So I went with them into the kitchen and they were starting on cake and coffee and I was grabbing a slice and heading to sit with them when my mom came in and said, "You can go, I don't want you here pretending like you want to be here."
So I went.
I was still hungry since I'd only gotten a bit of cake in- actually, I'm not sure how hungry I really was. I felt hungry though and it was cold and we were supposed to get pizza that night but I knew I wouldn't be included in that anymore so I went and got pizza. And there's no just buying a slice here, you can get a "small" personal pizza, but that's enough for a really big meal. So I got one and ate it and when I bought it I actually did think I was hungry enough for one but it turns out I wasn't except it was SO GOOD and warm and I ate the whole thing anyways without bothering to stop and think about whether I really needed to. Ugh. So them my stomach was incredibly uncomfortably full but I went for a walk and the path I went down was really beautiful and I just listened to The Smiths and I actually calmed down.
Then I realized that they were all leaving at five to go to my brother's game and I didn't have a key so I needed to hurry home and not be locked out. Turns out they'd already left by then but my sister was home. And I didn't really see much more of my mom for the rest of the night.
Oh, she had facebook messaged me while I was out.
Mom: Not sure what to say, maybe I overreacted...but your not talking behavior, not willing to help out, just staying in your room and using the F word every chance you get is really getting to me. I have less and less patience for it and that probably makes me overreact. Also your room, I don't get it, but that's your problem, you just can't have people over and I'm not supporting your behavior with money. If you want to talk, talk, if not...we'll fight, you choose. Love you always...Mom
Me, reacting: Are you fucking kidding me every time I've tried to explain anything the past fucking week you cut me off after the first five fucking seconds and that was one fucking time with the "F word" (don't act like you don't fucking use it too) and I didn't even say it that was when T was being a fucking bitch and I wanted to say "Are you fucking kidding me" but changed it to "effing" at the last minute and even you saw what a little fucking bitch she was being and ohmyfuckinggod everything I can't stand about my mother in one message.
Me, message: Seriously? Believe it or not, I'm fine. Despite whatever you've assumed since you decided to stop giving me five seconds to talk for myself. And I'm not going to hurt myself because of you ever again because you don't have that power over me anymore. However far you want to go to try to test that, good luck.
Mom: I sure hope that I don't have that Power over you. Not trying to test that, incase you are threatening...
Me, reacting: threatening? are you fucking kidding me you think I'm what, fucking threatening to go binge/purge/cut if you don't give me what (you think) I want?
Me, message: I don't even know what to say to that. Wow.
Mom: Me neither...
And it's just like. Nothing's changed. She still doesn't give me any time to talk, until way later when she suddenly decides she's in the mood to "listen" and if I don't pour out my heart to her then I'm being "difficult." And there is just no talking to her. If what I say doesn't line up with what she's imagining is going on she'll just say, "well I don't get that, it doesn't make sense." (We have literally spent half an hour doing this, as I tried to explain why I didn't like that she was doing something a dozen different ways.)
The only thing that's changed is I'm not purging or cutting anymore because of it. Although, I'm still binging apparently, which obviously isn't good.
So I don't know. Yesterday was just bad. But I was looking at my ~new~ diet tracker and it has these charts and graphs that go by every two weeks and tomorrow starts a new one. So today will probably be very average, just staying inside (the weather's awful) and whatever. Then tomorrow I can start fresh.
Goal: One week binge-free.
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