Purging Stories (TW)

I saw a post today on WhyEat about the weirdest places you've purged and I started thinking about the thousands of times I've purged and where and which times still stand out... I'm going to talk about some of them but put them under a read more break as a trigger warning.


I've purged almost anywhere you can at home. The obvious ones are in the toilet and shower. I started purging in the shower when I did it so often that I would have to when my family was in the kitchen next door- the shower obviously provided a convenient cover, and I could put music on. I've purged into a bucket or bags in my room too and thrown those out as soon as I could afterwards. I think I had to keep them overnight once and left the pail sitting on my window sill, praying to god it wouldn't fall two stories into the path the neighbors used to put their trash out. I've purged while at my dad's before too- if I'd have been caught there, I don't even want to know what he would have done. Probably shoved a sandwich down my throat, tried to keep me from going home that night, and then gone to court the next day and petitioned for custody.

School. I purged at my old school quite often. It was big and I knew which bathrooms no one would use during our lunch breaks and which ones the cheerleaders would be doing their hair in and which ones were near classrooms that left their door open. And I couldn't resist the nachos or french fries at lunch (we always got free lunch). I normally only had to tell my friends little lies- I have to leave early to print something, or if anyone walked with me to the next building, I have to stop by the councilor's office. Sometimes I wondered if anyone could hear or if anyone passing by knew what I was doing. It was a big school, so chances are we didn't know each other. Hm.

I've purged in more public restrooms than I can care to try to remember. I remember going to Coney Island's with some friends after shopping on day and I got lemon rice soup and it came with a pita bread and I think the soup would've been alright but the bread sort of set me off and I went to the bathroom, purged, and came back like nothing was wrong. There was another girl who was overweight and didn't end up eating anything. She said she didn't have any money left and no one said anything, just offered her some of their food, and I'm not sure who bought it or who didn't but I could kind of tell by the way she kept shifting uncomfortably and watching everyone eat that she was feeling really self-conscious (now that I think of it, we were going homecoming dress shopping and she tagged along but wasn't going to the dance). And I just kept thinking the rest of the time about how she didn't eat and I threw up my lunch and we were both sort of in the same boat but she didn't know that of course I came off as normal as the rest of them.
Another time I was out for lunch with my grandma and ordered a Mexican wrap and it ended up being this fucking huge thing of probably 2 lbs. meat and a little cheese and a giant ass tortilla. Naturally I ate the whole thing then went to the bathroom to purge, except since it was kind of spicy my eyes were more red than usual and I had to pretend that I had to go a number two to explain why I was gone so long.
Other times I was just out to eat, a lot of the time alone. I wonder if the people working there ever figured it out. There was one restaurant where I would go and get fries or pizza or döner and race through it then purge and come back for a diet coke. I used to go almost every week too and sometimes I'd bring my laptop and just waste time. They would give me a discount every few weeks so either they appreciated my service or they knew and felt really bad I don't know.
I purged at my gym once too. I binged, then went and purged in the locker room showers except it wouldn't all go down the drain so I just sort of left the mess there. Then I went and did as quick of a workout as possible so I could leave before anyone saw.

I've purged at friends' houses too. That's one that I'm really not proud of. I remember staying at my grandma's for a week or so during break last year and the guest room downstairs has its own bathroom with a shower. I could just run downstairs after any meal and purge and come up later changed into evening clothes with a book or something and continue on. I thought it was a pretty good setup except at some point a few weeks or months later when my mom was confronting me about falling back into my habits she mentioned that my grandma had noticed and asked if I was doing alright. I didn't even know she knew I had an ED at the time and looking back I can see that I sort of assumed she had no idea. If you know what signs to look for, I was being fairly obvious. Live and learn.
I purged at my best friend's house here too. I don't remember that too well, only that it happened. We were just stopping by at her house to get ready to go out and meet other people and I had eaten a lot beforehand and didn't want to feel all full and gross all night so I purged in her bathroom. I guess no one heard or noticed anything; I don't think I went all out or anything though. But every time I go to her house I feel kind of weird about that. She knows about my ED but not that I've purged in her bathroom.

I've purged at my old church a bunch too. I used to be there all the time, sometimes all day or overnight for different events, which normally involved bought-in-bulk junk food, so yea. I always went to the bathroom at the end of the church that wasn't being used and was quick and clean (enough) about it, but one time my mom surprised me by showing up earlier than I'd expected and coming in to use the bathroom. I was trying to clean my face and make it look like I hadn't been bawling my eyes out and she took one look at me and said, "you made yourself throw up again..." and then I cut her off really quickly like no no no not at all, and came up with a bullshit story on the spot about how my friend Karen was mad at me because the guy she liked liked me and I didn't even want anything to do with him because he was a douche but she didn't get that, blah blah blah. I guess she bought it, because I never really open up to her so the fact that I actually told her all the was probably a distraction. I don't know. But we hung out a week later or something so I had to remember to let my mom know ahead of time that everything was fine between us again. There have been other times when one of my friends walked in on me, but always after I was done purging and ready to leave.

At my old house my 'favorite' place to escape to purge was the small wood behind our backyard. In winter it was tricky because I'd leave footprints so I would end up trying to jump over logs whenever I could and run all over the place trying to break the trail so my mom wouldn't be able to follow it to my purging spot. Or since we lived on the outskirts of town I would run to a field nearby or somewhere else. I stopped caring if cars saw me hunched over from a few hundred meters away; they would really know what I was doing or I'd look like I was running to hard on a full stomach.

In our new apartment we're pretty much in the center of our city and it's next to impossible to find somewhere where you can't be seen by some window or another. I did find an old dumpster and I probably purged around 2/3 of the time there. The only way I could've possibly been seen from a window was from one on the third or fourth story of the police building, but I guess I was never caught. The dumpster was the only thing separating me from a little back path though, so sometimes people would walk by. I'd hear them from far enough off and stop, but it made me start to wonder how often I've walked by a dumpster or bushes and someone else was crouched back there purge. One time at night a drunk guy stumbled back behind the dumpster right next to me and took a piss. I sort of moved to the other side but I think he was too drunk to notice me at all. It was super awkward though. A lot of times I'd finish my binge on the bench across the path and people would walk by and I tried looking like I was just casually eating a slice of cake or something but I have no idea who bought it and who didn't. There was another place a little further down on the way to the gym where I could sort of hide behind an old bus stop and it was hard to see me. People coming down the path would've had to been paying attention from a way's off, and I always had my back turned so it could've passed for just being caught sick away from home. One time I was binging there- I had a pizza and cake and döner lined up, and a younger kid was on his way home from school and walked by and sort of looked at me and I caught him looking and he just said "bon appetite" and I don't know what he was thinking.

I started typing up this post because I saw the thread on WhyEat and started thinking about things and wanted to get it all down. But now that I actually really think back to all the shit my ED put my through, it's... almost heartbreaking. Maybe it would be if it were anyone else but myself. I have to remind myself when I'm at my lower points that I don't deserve this, even if I think I do. No one deserves to go through something like these, to do these things to their self.