16. October

I forgot to post yesterday- or rather, was up late typing a history essay and kept putting it off until after I finished. Which I have yet to, by the way.

Yesterday started off really well. School was actually... kind of awesome. I had a pair of free periods and during the first I worked in the library but wanted to go into the common room for the second because A would be there. And just as I'm crossing the lobby a group of guys, including A, is leaving. They were going to go down to Globus, a supermarket, and one of my friends asked if I wanted to go with. Uh, sure.

I know it's dumb and I sound like a twelve year talking about how cool it was to just go hang out with a group of guys, but I mean... Besides the fact that I love simple things, like a particularly fun free period, it's just another one of those times where I feel like I'm actually learning how to be me again and socialize. I spent most of last year keeping to myself, only speaking when spoken to, that sort of thing. One of my first proud little moments was a few weeks ago when I went over to M and A alone during a free period and just inserted myself into the conversation and ended up hanging out with them. That was one of those little things that shouldn't be a big deal and isn't for normal people, but which thanks to my eating disorder I hadn't done in forever. And then yesterday, going and hanging out with six guys (and a few of them were quite attractive in an intimidating way... then again, I still find a lot of people intimidating) and just being normal... It's nice.

But not exactly something I can talk about with my friends here. "Hey, BFF! Guess what I did today! Talked to M and A! Omg isn't that so crazy?" No. Especially because BFF isn't one to talk about things like that. I actually lost her for a bit when I left school for the clinic. I can understand how she might have felt at first, because she knew nothing about any of my problems until I texted her a rushed apology/explanation for why I wouldn't be in school for the next few days. But when she said that she understood because her brother has borderline personality disorder too, I thought I might be able to talk to her about it. We're fine now, but I guess we just kind of pretend my problems don't exist. Then again, I'm almost always in a good mood when I'm around her, so I guess she doesn't have a reason to suspect I'm not doing as well as I'd have everyone believe.
I don't know. That's a different, complicated subject.

Things went weirdly well with A yesterday. We hung out mostly together in Globus and before then we had had a fire drill and he and his friends came over to where I was standing with my friends (the whole school evacuated to a soccer field) and he ended up hanging back to walk back with me. Which was all really weird because he used to do the same kinds of things until a week or so before the break he just kind of stopped. I'm not letting my hopes up too much, but I guess I haven't completely ruled anything out. I don't even know right now; I'm quite tired. And I tend to either judge things as good or bad and then go with it full-steam, so I kind of have to wait and see what happens in the long run.

Food-wise... I had been doing so well until evening. I can't even remember what the trigger was. I think part of it was a comment a girl left on a picture of BFF and I where she had posed all adorable-like (she's fucking gorgeous, by the way) and I had a sillier pose and this girl said that BFF could be modeling the sweater but I was almost scaring her. It wasn't meant in a bad way or anything but that sums up my biggest problem with our friendship- my overwhelming jealousy and insecurity- so boom. Mini binge.
I feel like there was something else to it as well, but I don't remember anymore.

I'm off to driver's ed now- first class! When I come back I'll post about today (it's only 6:30...) if I'm still awake at all.