Well. Today started out good... Then got worse when I got home. I'm so glad I've started writing every day because it makes it so much easier to spot these patterns. This is actually how my worst downward spiral started out. I would be fine at school, but as soon as I came home the stress hit. Last time I had a lot of problems at home and fighting with the family and everything, which we've sorted out, but I'm starting to feel some of the same problems rising again, most of them having to do with the trust issues I haven't resolved with my mom. And, like last time, even though I'm doing better in school with friends and everything, it's almost like the extra happiness I experience during the day has to be taken out from somewhere, namely from evenings at home.
There's not a whole lot more to say. School was school. I talked to people and went to class and rode the bus home. Then I binged (after I posted I ate even more) and went to driver's ed and now I have the rest of a history paper to write and it's after 9 p.m. and I got shit sleep last night and am going to get shit sleep tonight and have a full schedule tomorrow.
And now that I'm stressed out my ED thoughts are running loose. I was just in the kitchen looking for more food to eat (I didn't) and now I'm almost setting rules like "no more food until I'm under x kg" or "I stopped eating just before seven so I have to wait until seven in the morning or evening tomorrow or morning on Friday..." and I have too much to think about to bother with them. I'm counting on the fact that I'll be thinking more rationally in the morning.
I also need to remember to give my therapist a call and set up my next appointment. I need to talk to her about keeping my emotions under control before I do something stupid like purge again.
Keine Kommentare:
Kommentar veröffentlichen