All or Nothing

The two main disorders I'm dealing with are bulimia nervosa and borderline personality disorder. Bulimia is pretty clear, but here's an excerpt from the U.S. National Library of Medicine:

People with BPD are often uncertain about their identity. As a result, their interests and values may change rapidly.

People with BPD also tend to see things in terms of extremes, such as either all good or all bad. Their views of other people may change quickly. A person who is looked up to one day may be looked down on the next day. These suddenly shifting feelings often lead to intense and unstable relationships.

Other symptoms of BPD include:

• Fear of being abandoned
• Feelings of emptiness and boredom
• Frequent displays of inappropriate anger
• Impulsiveness with money, substance abuse, sexual relationships, binge eating, or shoplifting
• Intolerance of being alone
• Repeated crises and acts of self-injury, such as wrist cutting or overdosing

That pretty much sums me up. Luckily I've gotten past the self-injury and I'm fine with being alone for the most part and I've got my anger under control, but the rest I still struggle with.

Which brings me to the point of this. The all-or-nothing dilemma. Days are either good or bad. Food is either good or bad. My grades are either good or bad. Everything I do, everything that happens to me, good or bad. Including recovery. Recovery had been going so well, and since I went to Norway- no, it had started before that- it's been getting worse. Nothing new is happening in my life. I haven't gotten any surprisingly good grades in school and even though I haven't gotten any bad ones either, because there's nothing new and good the whole situation is ruled as bad. I've been trying to figure out how I feel for two different people- a guy I've just started getting to know, and my (female) best friend. I actually thought I had a shot with either of them. After the party it seems like there's a better chance of the two of them getting together than of me ever having a shot with anyone here. With my family... I mean it's not horribly bad and I'm even going to the gym with my mom on Saturday, something I never used to be able to do, but things still happen like today how they were all in my room.

Basically, I'm headed downhill and I need something good to happen to bring me back up but nothing good happens to me.